Ripples of my Reflections

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Year: 2018 (Page 4 of 5)

The pursuit of disarray

April 22, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Anyone who knows me for a while will know that I have a thing for cleaning. However clean the place is, I won’t be satisfied. I will compare and contrast against how others maintain their houses and feel bad that I couldn’t do enough. Adit might feel that the place is sparkly clean, but all my eyes tell me is that the place is a dump. So I will place the blame on his definition of cleanliness. My mom, she keeps the place clean enough, but for her, accomplishing the work comes as a first priority. So if she has to focus on cooking an absolutely delicious meal, she would focus on that. But me, I need things to be in place, I really don’t bother about how my cooking is. So that’s that for an idea of how obsessive I am in cleaning the house. As a result, I would be constantly cleaning, without ever being satisfied. I would start cleaning our room and by the time I go from room to room, finally finishing up, our room would look like a dump (at least to my eyes). Sigh!

Sometimes I think that my mind likes this miserable feeling of dissatisfaction so that I keep striving to clean, clean and then clean some more. No amount of cleaning seems good enough. On the plus side, cleaning is therapeutic. Also, it keeps me on my toes for a decent time. A strong urge to clean is the only thing that can beat the laziness out of me and get me going when I am in a state of zero motivation.

However, ever since Aditi was born, the house has been in chaos for obvious reasons. Lack of time, energy and everything else. And people tell that it is only gonna get worse as she grows up and starts to explore. To keep myself sane, I have been chanting to myself to let the obsession go. I keep telling myself to lower the bar, to accept things in disarray. It is hard! So hard! But things are going downhill, whether I like it or not. Although I keep cleaning here and there whenever I get time, there is no way I can match my incessant mind’s expectations. Just to practice letting go, I see something that’s out of place and try doing nothing about it. But it is there in my mind constantly. Yet, I try hard to do nothing about it. Some times, it works. Other times, it is just chaos in my mind. It is hell, I tell you.

The pursuit of disarray begins… Will the ‘Monica’ in me rest in peace? 😐

Until later 🙂

Lessons taught by my daughter

March 23, 2018 / / 0 Comments

As expected, dear daughter started life lessons for me from day 1 although it might have taken a while for me to accept and embrace that. I confess, I did not embrace motherhood gracefully. Honestly, I didn’t expect myself to. I know that I would make a drama, go through all kinds of emotional waves and then resign to the fact that this is yet another thing in life that I cannot plan or control. And that’s what I did. We had our fair share of troubles in these early months of 2018. Handling them along with taking care of the baby was no piece of cake. It was hard. I tried, I cried, then I slogged through the times.

Anyway, the little one taught me some lessons with an air of casual nonchalance – most of which I know but find it hard to accept and embrace:

Every day, every moment is unpredictable and I cannot plan for it. No matter how much I plan, whatever is gonna happen will happen. This is something that is very hard for me to accept and I still do the mistake of planning things too much in advance and then remind myself that it is not going to be my way.

No one said life is easy. Most of all, no one said parenting is easy. It is difficult but people say it is worth it. I am trying not to think about the returns on this one because I have a feeling that parenting is much more than that. Doing something selflessly is what I think is the lesson here.

No matter what I do, what I think, the little one is going to do what she wants. The same thing happens with all relationships too. There is no use setting standards for people and expecting them to behave the way we want them to.

There are things you like, things you don’t, and then things that you loathe. No matter what it is, you gotta do it when life expects you to. There are certain things in life where you don’t get to back out.

And finally, be happy and do what you want. If you wanna cry, cry. If you wanna laugh, laugh. Do whatever the hell you want and live life. There’s no reason not to.

Until later 🙂

A perfect gift

February 12, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Dear Aditi,

Just in time for our 4th anniversary, you come as the perfect gift
Shining like the sun, you are an instant hit
Blessed we are, to have been through this journey!

Baby doll, you are the life that brings us lessons
You are the soul that teaches us acceptance
You are the light that guides us to our purpose!

Thank you for choosing us, princess! 🙂

********

Also, here is a little something I wrote for your dad during the last few days of my pregnancy. We were scared and this was an attempt to reassure ourselves.

Parenthood

Amidst all the chaos and troubles,
Together we created something,
Something that is as beautiful,
As wonderful and as unpredictable,
As life itself.

This life that blossoms from within us,
With a spark of its own, marked as us and ours,
Truly makes our journey remarkable,
The one that we started all those years ago,
Blissfully unaware of what we had set out to do.

Just the two of us might fade into a shadow, but
Only to be replaced by the beauty of the three of us.
There’s only going to be more of you
And hence more of my love for you
So there’s nothing missing out.

Let’s walk into this lane of our journey,
Hand in hand, just as innocently,
As blissfully, and as ignorantly,
As we did all those years ago deciding to be together forever,
For life will teach and take care of us,
Just as it has all these years now.

*****

Until later 🙂

The waiting game

January 25, 2018 / / 2 Comments

I am officially bored. With the impending arrival of a little one, the waiting game gets harder with each day and although I have multiple visits to my OBGYN, walking, writing, reading (My reading peaked this month as I had little else to do and I finished reading 7 books in a go that I figured I should slow down so that I don’t spend all our money on books and go broke when the little one arrives 😉 I am taking my time with the 8th book of the month on purpose), doing a bit of this and that at home, trying to work from home to save up my leaves as much as possible, none of these keep me occupied enough mentally. Yes, the waiting game has started and my impatience is not helping. While the multiple online forums and pregnancy apps tell me this is a normal thing for a mom-to-be and to relax while I can, that’s the last thing I seem to be able to do.

Other than sleepless nights and waddling like a duck around the house, nothing seems to fill my days. Sleepless nights are a funny one though. It’s not that the little one troubles me and hence I am unable to sleep. It is just me. Sometimes I wake up smack in the middle of the night and feel fresh without an ounce of sleepiness. I sit up, tired of all the sleeping on the sides and stare at the sleeping hubby (maybe envying his sleep a little). As he sleeps on with his peaceful face looking adorable, that evil thought of waking him up slips away and I spend some time in watching him sleep. Not to mention he has been creeped out the few times he stirred in his sleep and woke up to see me sitting and watching him. I assure him that nothing is wrong with me or the little one and that I just can’t sleep. There have been nights where I have written poetry about the two of us, the little one, and our life during these midnight sessions. Just for the want of doing something. Ironically though, the mornings are more difficult with sleep coming in and me struggling to wake up even at 8:30 AM. I just get up feeling ravenous and starved. So it’s get up, brush and then gobble up what mom cooked for breakfast. Thanks to her, I have something ready to eat when I get up!

And then there are nights when I just sit and think about how our life is going to be in the future. Yes, a life-changing thing and all. Yes, everyone says so. Yes, I know so. But still the experience is yet to happen. The uncertainty brings on a smile on my face and a fear in my heart. I think about my family, my job, imagine scenarios with Adit playing the dad and all that my hormone-riddled mind can come up at 2 AM in the night. These are times when I wonder that maybe I should have more 2 AM friends. The one I have sleeps beside me and I don’t have the heart to wake him. I need more options!

Pregnancy brain is quite funny, let me tell you. On some days I am quite content and in spite of the huge bump, having to walk around even when I have no energy or motivation, I find silver linings in the day and smile. On other days, I crank up the heat, cribbing about how bored I am and how scared I am. Relatives calling me every other day expecting an update don’t help either. These calls just increase my impatience. I have still a week to go for my due date, people! Don’t feed my impatience! I understand the care and concern, but the ball is pretty much in the baby’s court and not mine. So if you have issues, take it up with the little one upon arrival.

I don’t know what plans this baby has, whether to make a dramatic entry, with no symptoms till the last day and then suddenly whoosh into the world or otherwise. Whatever it is, I hope I get the acceptance to let things happen in their own way.

Until later 🙂

Broken promises

January 13, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Your words lie scattered around me
In my dreams, in reality, on paper and in my memories
I keep asking myself, was any of them true?
Even for that one instant when they escaped your lips
This hurt tells me a story, one that oozes with my trust
And its broken heart, and of course, your broken promises.

Your mirages surround me all day
Morning, noon and night, when I am asleep and awake
I don’t expect any respite from your ghosting
It’s all my own making, I know that very well
This pain tells me a story, one that drips with my love
And its broken wings, and of course, your broken promises.

Your memoirs fill my room, nook and corner
Without the heart to throw them out,
And without the heart to look at them either
I shut my eyes and think of the world as a dark tunnel
This blind sight tells me a story, one that stinks of my denial
And its persistence, and of course, your broken promises.

Your fragrance is still on my bed sheets,
Reminding me of the warmth and cosiness,
Illusions I know, but comforting ones nevertheless
I curl a bit more inside them, hoping it would all come back
This smell tells me a story, one that screams of my hope
And its vanity, and of course, your broken promises.

All those broken promises, swirl around me
As broken shards of glass turning my world into dust
I only wish when this storm clears, it clears away all of you
All of you, your memories and of course, your broken promises
Because I do not want to surrender, you know
Not to your broken promises!

Being broken is not a crime, Staying that way is!

Do you agree? How do you like this post?

Until later 🙂

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