I think, therefore I write

Author: Keirthana (Page 2 of 63)

STP levels during the pandemic

Craziness – Fluctuating between low and high, hitting all levels on the way
OCD – Dialing down to tolerant levels
Gratefulness – Wildly fluctuating between medium and very high
Optimism – All time low
Letting go – Slowly inching towards medium
Happiness – Satisfactory
Fear – Always present, brushed to the one corner
Focus – Out the window
Operational mode – Do the bare minimum to keep it going
Energy – Starts at about 60% in the morning and ends at -80% at bedtime. No time to recharge until 100%.

Until later 🙂

Reality check 2020

All I wished for the 2020 year was to go by fast as I wasn’t handling being a working mom to a vivacious toddler all that well. I don’t know about fast but the year sure did take quite a turn. Not just for me but for the entire world. I feel for what has happened and I know that I cannot control anything other than my actions and maybe influence my loved ones. So I am not here to write about how the corona virus situation is bad and how this lock down is the worst crisis I have ever seen in my life. It is, indeed, but I want to write about the reality check that this situation has given me.

While many in this world may not accept, before this lock down, my life revolved around running a household and working at a corporate job. My schedule was clockwork and I couldn’t spare one second extra for anything. I did not have time to chew my food before I swallowed, no time for myself, no time for entertainment. Or at least that’s how I felt. If my maid or babysitter fell sick one day, my world would be doomed. Or so I thought. In short, I thought that my world revolved only because I had house help and a babysitter who was fairly regular and good at her job.

Well, when the COVID-19 situation got worse, I told my maid and babysitter to take a few days off even before the lock down was announced by the government. In my mind, I was going crazy but I had to do it for my family. With a toddler and a diabetic husband, I was not taking any chances. However, I thought that a week’s time would resolve things enough to go back to normal. Then came the lock down announcement and the reality hit me as I scrolled through the numbers every day with growing paranoia.

As the whole country shut down, sparing essential services, and our companies asking us to work from home, I thought that I was going to take off as long as this situation prevailed. Fortunately, as life gave me lemons, it showed me a way to make lemonade too. With Adit stepping it up, household chores were manageable.

Aditi, my daughter, took me by surprise by not throwing a tantrum to go out and play. *Touch wood* She has been an angel when compared to what I imagined she would be, locked inside a house and her parents glued to their office laptops. She has taken an interest in learning to help in chores as much as her age allows. She tries to fold laundry, sorts the groceries into piles for me to stock away, puts away dried vessels. She also eats by herself and plays by herself for the most part. Yes, she is still a kid and throws a bit of tantrum now and then but nothing out of ordinary in this out of ordinary situation.

I have had to let go of a lot of things to make it work but it did teach me not to be so much of a control freak. When I think of people whose livelihood is affected, who cannot be with their families, who are struggling to survive, my problems are not even a dust speck’s worth. So here I am taking on life one day at a time, hoping the world will heal, hoping that people get through.

Stay safe, stay in, stay healthy!

Until later 🙂

Weekend nothings

Haven’t you heard about sweet nothings? Not just when you are in love, but you can have those when are deep into marriage and then once in a blue moon, when you have a toddler too. Yeah yeah, I hear desperate parents asking, “Really?”. But I am telling you out of personal experience. It can happen. Don’t keep looking out for it, just enjoy it when it happens.

Adit and I were always the too-lazy-to-go-out kind of people (him more than me :P). So the first 5 years of our marriage, with just us and no kid (directly translating into no great responsibilities), we had weekends and weekends full of time to do nothing. Yeah, while some were out partying, meeting up with friends, exploring different pubs and restaurants, we were very comfortable in the cozy nest of our home, more specifically, our bed.

We had a week full of our jobs, then evenings filled with watching TV/shows mixed with office meetings and then we had the weekend nothings. We would sleep in, get up late and scramble something together for breakfast. We would then have a long debate about whether we can cook lunch or eat out. It ended being 50-50. And then with all the time in hand, we would eat, sleep, play some games, watch some shows, blog, read books, repeat.. You get the point. There have been weekends when we closed the door to our home on a Friday evening and then came out only on a Monday morning, with the exception of taking the milk delivered at our doorstep in.

Yeah, I hear you. We were that lazy but the point is that we kind of enjoyed it. Here’s probably why: We were brought up in highly ambitious families, running behind grades, winning contests, and scoring seats in acceptable colleges and this independence to slow down and enjoy not-running-a-mad-race actually helped us unwind. We had also had a pressured couple of years trying to get our parents accept our decision to marry each other, then trying to get them to actually marry us off, then being coerced into booking a flat when we practically had no money and hence ending up with a huge house loan… you get the point, right? I don’t know about others, but it caused a lot of subconscious tightening. So the weekend nothings were actually enjoyable. As for seeking out friendship, we had each other as best friends. So I guess that part never bothered us either.

After 5 years of doing this, we decided it was time for a kid. Again, we spent a few months being backed into a corner by friends and family telling us it is time and us not really knowing whether to cave or stand up until we are ready. Not to mention, we caved. So once Aditi was born, our weekend nothings vanished without a trace. There was some chore to be done. Always. And we got through all of it just like most parents do. Cribbing and then dusting ourselves off. Okay, I did most of the cribbing and Adit did most of the pick-me-up bit. But that’s also because of the chore imbalance in our situation. Practicality dictated that I take care of the baby and household along with my job while he focuses on the primary income of the family and his health.

Anyway, I had given up on our sweet weekends as our baby grew up into a toddler, demanding more attention and time when this weekend sneaked up on me in being nice. It just fell into place. We did get things done, like deciding the pre-school for our daughter, taking a picture of our daughter for school and going out on an impromptu snack trip to the mall. But, the rest of the weekend was relaxed with minimal tantrums, playing around at home, cooking the bare minimum that was needed (I never really enjoy cooking). In fact, this afternoon, my paranoid mind started to think that there was some storm coming up this week to make up for this calm. But then, whether I worry or not, I will have to deal with the storm when it comes. So here I am, sitting on my couch and writing a post (something I haven’t done in a really long time) enjoying the rest of my doing-nothing-weekend.

Until later 🙂

The life of a working mom

Don’t you feel bad for leaving your kid with someone other than family?

Do you miss her when you are away?

But you don’t have a constant eye on her!

She got sick because you let her play outside so that you could get some work done.

It is only a job for the caretaker, but it is your kid. You should have been more careful.

You could easily take a break, this is when she needs you the most!

How can you leave your kid with your parents to go on a business trip? OMG!

Are you sure she’s okay being away from you?

The many many questions I face, every working mother faces, from others and from their own minds. Sometimes my chest constricts and I can’t take a breath from all the pressure. While motherhood is blissful, it is also extremely restraining. Being tied to someone all the time and knowing what they ate last, what they are trying to tell you, what color their poop was, whether they filled enough diapers, whether it is time for potty training, if they are sick because they played in the sand or because they caught it from one of the other kids they played with, who they play with, whether the babysitter followed all your instructions, if they ate too little or too much… Yes, if reading this is exhausting, one can imagine how exhausting it would be for the ones living it.

I am not judging anyone for their opinions but I would personally like a breather from all the questions (including the ones of my own making, running amok in my mind). A working mother has enough on her plate. If possible, help her get going. Else, please reserve your opinions – that’s the least you could do.

My pride

The only thing that I did without letting Adit know before.
The only thing that I did again in spite of Adit not liking it.
The only thing that I was absolutely sure about wanting it for myself, my identity.
The only thing that I knew I’d want to get it done again when I got it for the first time.
The only thing that I got done for myself as selfishly as possible but at the same time is not about myself.

Here is the story of the first one and how frantic I felt before getting it 🙂 In contrary, the second one was fairly straight forward. I hit upon the idea in one moment, visualized it in one hour, researched and finalized it in one day. Then it was just a matter of booking an appointment and getting it done. I was mildly surprised that even Adit’s strong ‘no’ did not stop me.

Until later 🙂

« Older posts Newer posts »