Don’t you feel bad for leaving your kid with someone other than family?
Do you miss her when you are away?
But you don’t have a constant eye on her!
She got sick because you let her play outside so that you could get some work done.
It is only a job for the caretaker, but it is your kid. You should have been more careful.
You could easily take a break, this is when she needs you the most!
How can you leave your kid with your parents to go on a business trip? OMG!
Are you sure she’s okay being away from you?
The many many questions I face, every working mother faces, from others and from their own minds. Sometimes my chest constricts and I can’t take a breath from all the pressure. While motherhood is blissful, it is also extremely restraining. Being tied to someone all the time and knowing what they ate last, what they are trying to tell you, what color their poop was, whether they filled enough diapers, whether it is time for potty training, if they are sick because they played in the sand or because they caught it from one of the other kids they played with, who they play with, whether the babysitter followed all your instructions, if they ate too little or too much… Yes, if reading this is exhausting, one can imagine how exhausting it would be for the ones living it.
I am not judging anyone for their opinions but I would personally like a breather from all the questions (including the ones of my own making, running amok in my mind). A working mother has enough on her plate. If possible, help her get going. Else, please reserve your opinions – that’s the least you could do.
Every time you smile, I realize how blessed I am.
Every time I hug you, I realize how gifted I am.
Every time I inhale your baby smell, I realize how happy I am.
Every time I crib about being tired, I realize there are a lot of people who would give anything to be this tired for this reason.
Every time you rub your face against mine, I realize heaven is not impossible.
I asked myself a hundred times, why do I want to have a baby? I never knew the answer before but now I do.
You are the answer to my questions. I might have a million of them but you answer them in a million ways. Ways that I could never comprehend until you show me. Ways that would seem highly impossible until you show me.
I have always considered providing and taking care of a family to be the biggest challenge and yet, the biggest achievement of my life. And I had thought I had done it even before you came along to show me that there’s more. You showed me I can do more when I thought I couldn’t. Just like your dad. You both push me to greater heights when I myself have given up and settled. And I don’t often remember how blessed I am to have that. To have help to realize your purpose in life. But when I do remember, it overwhelms me so much that I am at a loss of words. So here’s a thank you. Thank you for everything.
I hope that someday you read this and realize how much I love you and how grateful I am to have you.
Until later 🙂
So fulfilling, yet so brutal. So precious, yet so frustrating.
So awesome, yet so tiring. So proud, yet wanting to run away.
The journey is amazingly detailed with attempts at prying open tired, sleep-deprived eyes to take care of someone other than your own self. Zombie-walking through the day and praying that she should sleep through the night at least once in a while so that I don’t drop from lack of sleep.
The only way out is to put one step ahead of another, to conquer yet another day with minimal disasters, to enjoy small victories like an easy burp and a proper poop from the little one, and to just keep going.
Everyday I keep reminding myself of this wonderful line from Stopping by woods on a snowy evening by Robert Frost:
I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.
Until later 🙂
Yes, I can do this! Yay!
Wait, who am I kidding? I am exhausted.
You got this!
Oh my god, what have we done?
It’s precious, I am blessed.
Is this how it is gonna be for the rest of our lives?
It’s all worth it.
What am I gonna do?
And it goes on… The fear, the happiness, the unconditional love, the guilt, the fulfillment, the frustration, the constant terrifying question that you ask yourself – will I be able to do this?
That’s parenting for the most part, riding up and down the waves without any stability, going with the flow.. It’s a new experience, fulfilling and terrifying at the same time.
Until later 🙂
As expected, dear daughter started life lessons for me from day 1 although it might have taken a while for me to accept and embrace that. I confess, I did not embrace motherhood gracefully. Honestly, I didn’t expect myself to. I know that I would make a drama, go through all kinds of emotional waves and then resign to the fact that this is yet another thing in life that I cannot plan or control. And that’s what I did. We had our fair share of troubles in these early months of 2018. Handling them along with taking care of the baby was no piece of cake. It was hard. I tried, I cried, then I slogged through the times.
Anyway, the little one taught me some lessons with an air of casual nonchalance – most of which I know but find it hard to accept and embrace:
Every day, every moment is unpredictable and I cannot plan for it. No matter how much I plan, whatever is gonna happen will happen. This is something that is very hard for me to accept and I still do the mistake of planning things too much in advance and then remind myself that it is not going to be my way.
No one said life is easy. Most of all, no one said parenting is easy. It is difficult but people say it is worth it. I am trying not to think about the returns on this one because I have a feeling that parenting is much more than that. Doing something selflessly is what I think is the lesson here.
No matter what I do, what I think, the little one is going to do what she wants. The same thing happens with all relationships too. There is no use setting standards for people and expecting them to behave the way we want them to.
There are things you like, things you don’t, and then things that you loathe. No matter what it is, you gotta do it when life expects you to. There are certain things in life where you don’t get to back out.
And finally, be happy and do what you want. If you wanna cry, cry. If you wanna laugh, laugh. Do whatever the hell you want and live life. There’s no reason not to.
Until later 🙂