I sat still with only the silence for company. The door is ajar, just as you left it. The silence is deafening like never before. There have been more silences in my life, all courtesy me, but never anything like this. There were a million thoughts that raced through my mind but none were voiced. The last image in my eyes was that of you leaving. The image kept playing over and over in my mind like an endless movie, like a forlorn song that had gone on repeat mode. I didn’t even try to shut it out. I couldn’t bother too. Oh, what is that I really wanted to say to you? When you were walking away, there were so many things I had to say to you, but I stood there just watching you leave. All my thoughts and words lost their meaning as you shut the metaphoric door between us. How come there’s a door to shut between us?

Did I want to say that I still love you?
Or did I want to say I should have never loved you?

Did I want to tell you to stay?
Or did I want to tell you to get lost for good?

Did I want to say that all love is not lost between us?
Or did I want to say that there was never any love to begin with?

Did I want to say that I had gotten used to the silences?
Or did I want to say that I couldn’t take them any more?

Did I want to say Thank you for all that you gave me?
Or did I want to say Thank you for ruining my life?

Did I want to say that I now understood love?
Or did I want to say that I still think love is bullshit?

What is it that I really wanted to say? I wished you had the ability to read my mind as a silent tear made its way down my cheeks. I was and still am a messed up soul and you knew it. You took me with the hope that you will be able to make the mess right with your love. I was skeptical but I had unknowingly started growing on you. The silence around me in your absence stands solid proof of that. So you had indeed worked the magic on me. The magic of love! But then why did you leave? Or why did I make you leave? Couldn’t you take any more of my cynicism, my sarcasm and my detachment? I guess that’d be it. Who could stand years of neglect clinging on to just hope that I’d believe some day? I don’t blame you.

I noticed that the day had passed only when the darkness crept in. I realized that there was never another hope of a dawn for me. Especially with you gone… A sob escaped my lips and I was surprised when it resonated back to me. My head jerked up as if in reflex and my eyes turned to the doorway with the door still ajar. It was the same as in the morning except for one difference. The difference being you standing there leaning on the door with tears in your eyes. I thought you leaving had me hallucinating. But as you came close to me and cupped my face in your hands, I started believing. And your words that followed stunned me, “Why could you not just let the inhibitions go? Why could you not express the love that you have got in you? Why couldn’t you stop holding back for once? Why could you not stop me leaving? Let it go for me, please…” As you spoke and as the realization that you never had the intention of leaving dawned on me, I let go. Then and there. All my inhibitions. All the words that were racing through my mind. All the tears I had withheld in me. And then I knew exactly what I really wanted to say. And I did – “I love you”.

Until later 🙂

This post is for the Wordy Wednesday prompt “What is it that I really want to say?”  @ Blog-A-Rhythm: