Anyone who knows me for a while will know that I have a thing for cleaning. However clean the place is, I won’t be satisfied. I will compare and contrast against how others maintain their houses and feel bad that I couldn’t do enough. Adit might feel that the place is sparkly clean, but all my eyes tell me is that the place is a dump. So I will place the blame on his definition of cleanliness. My mom, she keeps the place clean enough, but for her, accomplishing the work comes as a first priority. So if she has to focus on cooking an absolutely delicious meal, she would focus on that. But me, I need things to be in place, I really don’t bother about how my cooking is. So that’s that for an idea of how obsessive I am in cleaning the house. As a result, I would be constantly cleaning, without ever being satisfied. I would start cleaning our room and by the time I go from room to room, finally finishing up, our room would look like a dump (at least to my eyes). Sigh!
Sometimes I think that my mind likes this miserable feeling of dissatisfaction so that I keep striving to clean, clean and then clean some more. No amount of cleaning seems good enough. On the plus side, cleaning is therapeutic. Also, it keeps me on my toes for a decent time. A strong urge to clean is the only thing that can beat the laziness out of me and get me going when I am in a state of zero motivation.
However, ever since Aditi was born, the house has been in chaos for obvious reasons. Lack of time, energy and everything else. And people tell that it is only gonna get worse as she grows up and starts to explore. To keep myself sane, I have been chanting to myself to let the obsession go. I keep telling myself to lower the bar, to accept things in disarray. It is hard! So hard! But things are going downhill, whether I like it or not. Although I keep cleaning here and there whenever I get time, there is no way I can match my incessant mind’s expectations. Just to practice letting go, I see something that’s out of place and try doing nothing about it. But it is there in my mind constantly. Yet, I try hard to do nothing about it. Some times, it works. Other times, it is just chaos in my mind. It is hell, I tell you.
The pursuit of disarray begins… Will the ‘Monica’ in me rest in peace? 😐
Until later 🙂
As expected, dear daughter started life lessons for me from day 1 although it might have taken a while for me to accept and embrace that. I confess, I did not embrace motherhood gracefully. Honestly, I didn’t expect myself to. I know that I would make a drama, go through all kinds of emotional waves and then resign to the fact that this is yet another thing in life that I cannot plan or control. And that’s what I did. We had our fair share of troubles in these early months of 2018. Handling them along with taking care of the baby was no piece of cake. It was hard. I tried, I cried, then I slogged through the times.
Anyway, the little one taught me some lessons with an air of casual nonchalance – most of which I know but find it hard to accept and embrace:
Every day, every moment is unpredictable and I cannot plan for it. No matter how much I plan, whatever is gonna happen will happen. This is something that is very hard for me to accept and I still do the mistake of planning things too much in advance and then remind myself that it is not going to be my way.
No one said life is easy. Most of all, no one said parenting is easy. It is difficult but people say it is worth it. I am trying not to think about the returns on this one because I have a feeling that parenting is much more than that. Doing something selflessly is what I think is the lesson here.
No matter what I do, what I think, the little one is going to do what she wants. The same thing happens with all relationships too. There is no use setting standards for people and expecting them to behave the way we want them to.
There are things you like, things you don’t, and then things that you loathe. No matter what it is, you gotta do it when life expects you to. There are certain things in life where you don’t get to back out.
And finally, be happy and do what you want. If you wanna cry, cry. If you wanna laugh, laugh. Do whatever the hell you want and live life. There’s no reason not to.
Until later 🙂
2017 was a multifaceted year for me and throughout it was constructed with blocks of hardships and towards the end came the home stretch. We are still running the home stretch in several aspects. But the troubles are not what I want to write about. They come and go and I don’t know how I am going to fare through them yet. But I have learnt one solid lesson from all that I faced and all that I am facing – A lot of people, even those whom you trust to understand you, will sometimes won’t. One of the major issues I see is that not everyone knows what it means when you say NO to something. The rejection of their idea/suggestion/<whatever> is unacceptable to them. I was shell shocked to see that this caused a lot of friction in an otherwise normal situation. I always assumed that we have evolved into this century enough to know that every individual has a choice when it comes to things that involve them and the person who is involved has the final say. However, to get this done, to make the message reach, the struggle I had to go through was so tiring that I started wondering if people really know what it means when I say NO or when I say that I don’t want to do something they suggest.
Here’s to a fresh start, to hope amidst chaos, to health, to a looming life-changing event!
Here’s to a clean slate, starting all over, to happiness, to joy, to troubles and sorrows!
Here’s to another year in this world, however crappy the world may seem!
Here’s to putting one foot in front of another and facing life one day at a time!
Here’s to picking oneself up, dusting up and moving on, stronger than yesterday!
Here’s to everything that life can throw at us and the strength to wade through it!
Here’s to a better now, better today, and a better tomorrow!
May 2018 see a better picture than the years gone by!
Happy new year to everyone out there!
Until later 🙂
I was sitting in a Starbucks outlet savoring an ill-chosen Cafe latte (I like cold brew than hot ones), waiting for Adit to join me. Since I had let my phone battery run down to 10% and did not bother to charge it before venturing out, I couldn’t do what one usually does while passing time at a Starbucks outlet – stare at your phone, browsing through mundane stuff. So instead, I chose to indulge in some people watching – not the creepy type but the subtle type. 🙂
Everyone was busy with their phones or talking among themselves when a family walked in. From the usual Indian context setting, I could figure out it was a group consisting of a mother with her 2 kids and either her parents or in-laws. Among the kids, the daughter was the one who immediately caught my eye. She could be about 10-12 years old and was dressed in a cool t-shirt and shorts, with short hair, fancy accessories. She was really cute and carried herself well. My mind, with typical human tendencies, started its overthinking about how far ahead kids these days are.