Ripples of my Reflections

I think, therefore I write

Tag: Love (page 1 of 12)

The struggle is real

November has been a real testing time. In fact, the past 2 years have been no walk down a meadow either. If Adit, my husband, has to face the struggle first hand, I am the half-helpless person who tries to keep things running for him and our daughter.

Health issues are not new to us. We know that life of a type 1 diabetic can be as close to normal as possible with ideal control, but it could never be fully normal. Despite what the doctors tell you, when you have to finger-prick at least 5 times a day and get insulin shots a minimum of 3 times a day, you know that you are different and you need a different attitude about life.

What hits more than the disease itself is a number of factors that include psycho-social acceptance among friends and family and the support a family is able to provide a person with T1D, healthcare costs, support systems that enable the person to live as close to a normal life as possible. Unfortunately for us, the T1D awareness in India is not great and tools that enable a type 1 diabetic to get closer to ideal control are either insanely pricey or unavailable. Fortunately for us, we have got each other and thanks to our stars, affordability for the health care that is required. And me. Yeah, it took me time to fully understand what Adit’s condition meant and the requirements but I decided to be there for him, no matter what.

With a toddler who does not know what her father deals with, the problems her working mother faces to keep things going without a proper support system, the struggle is real. As I spend days trying to get an impatient peek at Adit’s glucose monitor before he could tell me, trying to feed motivation into his life, trying to raise my daughter to be understanding of her father’s condition, I cannot help wonder selfishly how things would have turned out if this did not happen to him. But I know wistful feelings are not going to change life, so I get back to work while thanking our stars that we are at least enabled to deal with our lives.

’96

Disclaimer: This is not a movie review. This is about the impact a movie had on me.

The reviews had promised me a good movie with ’96. So I pretty much started watching it with that expectation. What I was completely unprepared for was the soulfulness and depth in the movie. The movie is so simple and realistic that it could have happened to me. Trisha and Vijay Sethupathi have done a fantastic job. Vijay Sethupathi more so. The question of what could have been coupled with the heavy musical notes evoke emotions unforeseen. The pain, the nostalgia, the simplicity – all of them make the movie incredibly credible. Good movies always impact me more than necessary, but no movie made me believe that it could have happened/could happen to me like this one did.

Govind Vasantha has let the music speak for itself. The tones keep ringing in my ears even after the movie is over. I watched this movie on a Friday and I found myself going back to it multiple times over the weekend. In search of what? I don’t know. Do I want the love to be requited in some way? Do I want to see them have some form of closure? Do I want to revel in that longing? I don’t know. This movie might have impacted me because I had a childhood sweetheart. But I married him. So I know only about what it’s meant to be. But this movie showed me that there can be it’s-not-meant-to-bes in life and that it could have easily happened to me if not for destiny.

The if-only’s were too painful for me. So many chances, yet all of them slipped through the fingers. For what end? I am not sure whether Ram and Jaanu got closure as they tearfully move on from their evening. But I sure didn’t. That’s the reason I find myself going back to the movie, searching for something that does not exist in that story – Closure.

The answer to my questions

Every time you smile, I realize how blessed I am.

Every time I hug you, I realize how gifted I am.

Every time I inhale your baby smell, I realize how happy I am.

Every time I crib about being tired, I realize there are a lot of people who would give anything to be this tired for this reason.

Every time you rub your face against mine, I realize heaven is not impossible.

I asked myself a hundred times, why do I want to have a baby? I never knew the answer before but now I do.

You are the answer to my questions. I might have a million of them but you answer them in a million ways. Ways that I could never comprehend until you show me. Ways that would seem highly impossible until you show me.

I have always considered providing and taking care of a family to be the biggest challenge and yet, the biggest achievement of my life. And I had thought I had done it even before you came along to show me that there’s more. You showed me I can do more when I thought I couldn’t. Just like your dad. You both push me to greater heights when I myself have given up and settled. And I don’t often remember how blessed I am to have that. To have help to realize your purpose in life. But when I do remember, it overwhelms me so much that I am at a loss of words. So here’s a thank you. Thank you for everything.

I hope that someday you read this and realize how much I love you and how grateful I am to have you.

Until later 🙂

The story of my tattoo

I had never thought of tattoos much except about the pain part. That must tell you a lot about my ability to handle pain.
I still look away when I have to give a blood test. That must tell you about my cringes when I think of/see needles.

So I never imagined myself getting a tattoo, of all things. So I was kind of scared and surprised when my brain suggested that I get one. However, the motivation behind the idea was strong enough for me to sail through the rocky seas. It was our third wedding anniversary and I was racking my brains on what to gift Adit. I try to do something different each year to surprise him. Some I win, some I lose. But I try. That’s when it struck me that I could get his name tattooed.

The idea part was the easiest. What followed was endless days and weeks of overthinking. Will it pain? If yes, how much? Will this surprise make Adit happy or mad? Do I get his entire name tattooed or something symbolic? Where? Which artist? and so on. There were many sleepless nights spent on some of these questions. And after some major planning and a few stupid questions to my friends who have tattoos, I decided I was going to do it.

I had to inform Adit that I was going to do something special as I couldn’t justify me wanting to elope somewhere without a reason on our anniversary and yet wanted it to remain a surprise. So I left a puzzled Adit at home and went to the studio. Again, a few stupid questions and many jittery moments later, I was pleasantly surprised at how less it pained (of course, I had chosen a fleshy arm to bear the brunt and had some romantic songs to listen to as a distraction) and how pleased I was with the result. And I had no regrets. It felt like it was a great idea and if I had to do it again, I would.

So as I wore my tattoo with pride, Adit was surprised by the gesture and mildly annoyed by the permanence of what I did (Like I said, some I win, some I lose). I was fine with his reaction but found other family members’ and friends’ reactions hilarious. For some reason, the first question people asked was if Adit got my name tattooed. And my reaction was – well, why should he? Is this a quid pro quo?

So after over an year, I still take pride in my tattoo and love it to bits. Will I get another one? Well, if I feel like it and if something that’s worthy enough comes along, yes.

Until later 🙂

A perfect gift

Dear Aditi,

Just in time for our 4th anniversary, you come as the perfect gift
Shining like the sun, you are an instant hit
Blessed we are, to have been through this journey!

Baby doll, you are the life that brings us lessons
You are the soul that teaches us acceptance
You are the light that guides us to our purpose!

Thank you for choosing us, princess! 🙂

********

Also, here is a little something I wrote for your dad during the last few days of my pregnancy. We were scared and this was an attempt to reassure ourselves.

Parenthood

Amidst all the chaos and troubles,
Together we created something,
Something that is as beautiful,
As wonderful and as unpredictable,
As life itself.

This life that blossoms from within us,
With a spark of its own, marked as us and ours,
Truly makes our journey remarkable,
The one that we started all those years ago,
Blissfully unaware of what we had set out to do.

Just the two of us might fade into a shadow, but
Only to be replaced by the beauty of the three of us.
There’s only going to be more of you
And hence more of my love for you
So there’s nothing missing out.

Let’s walk into this lane of our journey,
Hand in hand, just as innocently,
As blissfully, and as ignorantly,
As we did all those years ago deciding to be together forever,
For life will teach and take care of us,
Just as it has all these years now.

*****

Until later 🙂

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