Anyone who knows me for a while will know that I have a thing for cleaning. However clean the place is, I won’t be satisfied. I will compare and contrast against how others maintain their houses and feel bad that I couldn’t do enough. Adit might feel that the place is sparkly clean, but all my eyes tell me is that the place is a dump. So I will place the blame on his definition of cleanliness. My mom, she keeps the place clean enough, but for her, accomplishing the work comes as a first priority. So if she has to focus on cooking an absolutely delicious meal, she would focus on that. But me, I need things to be in place, I really don’t bother about how my cooking is. So that’s that for an idea of how obsessive I am in cleaning the house. As a result, I would be constantly cleaning, without ever being satisfied. I would start cleaning our room and by the time I go from room to room, finally finishing up, our room would look like a dump (at least to my eyes). Sigh!
Sometimes I think that my mind likes this miserable feeling of dissatisfaction so that I keep striving to clean, clean and then clean some more. No amount of cleaning seems good enough. On the plus side, cleaning is therapeutic. Also, it keeps me on my toes for a decent time. A strong urge to clean is the only thing that can beat the laziness out of me and get me going when I am in a state of zero motivation.
However, ever since Aditi was born, the house has been in chaos for obvious reasons. Lack of time, energy and everything else. And people tell that it is only gonna get worse as she grows up and starts to explore. To keep myself sane, I have been chanting to myself to let the obsession go. I keep telling myself to lower the bar, to accept things in disarray. It is hard! So hard! But things are going downhill, whether I like it or not. Although I keep cleaning here and there whenever I get time, there is no way I can match my incessant mind’s expectations. Just to practice letting go, I see something that’s out of place and try doing nothing about it. But it is there in my mind constantly. Yet, I try hard to do nothing about it. Some times, it works. Other times, it is just chaos in my mind. It is hell, I tell you.
The pursuit of disarray begins… Will the ‘Monica’ in me rest in peace? 😐
Until later 🙂