It’s been a week into the new year and I am still wondering what my first post of the year should be. Well, I thought hard and loud and decided to throw caution to the winds. Today I am penning down a confession of sorts. Yes! And the confession is about just me and doesn’t involve anyone else. So without the worry of disclaimers and warnings, here it goes.

I am a huge control freak. Time and again, I have always known this at the back of my mind but never got around to stare it straight in the face and say it out. The reason being the inability for acceptance of the fact. While being a control freak can mean good things like being the one who is always responsible, who always thinks twice before doing anything, who is always there for others to do impulse decisions and enjoy their life. At the same time, it also eats at your peace a lot. You are always worried/taking care of/managing something or the other. I can safely say that I have not taken any significant impulsive decisions so far in my life. About the non-significant ones, hell yeah, I have a ton of them in line. My impulsive, impromptu decisions involve buying something that I feel is not worth the price just because I like it or doing something immediately just because I want the work done. Even there, my need for having control over everything and wanting the task at hand done plays the more important role.

Thinking back, this personality of mine has been sowed a long time ago. I could remember a variety of memories from my college time to prove this. When people wanted to just get wet in the rain, they just would. On the other hand, I would worry about my books getting wet and would hand over all my things that I don’t want to get wet to someone who has an umbrella and then start enjoying the rain. I would justify myself saying that I am not making the money so I wouldn’t waste it. Be it exams, assignments or anything for that matter, I always had a plan. Even if it was to fare poorly in a test, I would know beforehand that my preparation is not enough. I have never been able to just forget about the exam that’s due tomorrow and play minesweeper while a lot of my friends did.

Even now, I keep forming plans well before while hubby waits till the last minute to decide. That’s one thing I would add to the list of how different we are. I go crazy when he wouldn’t form and let me know the plans before. I keep nagging him and when it seems like he wouldn’t give up, I would form a backup plan of my own. Heck, even when I have a busy week and the house is messy, I have an organized messy blueprint. Certain things go in certain places even though they are messy and none is to disturb that. I hate unannounced or unexpected events although my rational mind knows that nothing in life is under *my* control actually. I make lists and complete them or at least find something close to completion so that I am at peace. There’s always a Plan A and a Plan B. For every single thing. Sometimes I wonder whether the non-acceptance of uncertainty is pushing me to even cling on to the illusion of me having things in my control.

There are times when I wish that I would get up one day and do something just in the spur of the moment. After all the high being in control gives me, I guess I still realize that I am missing on the “letting go” part of life.  Of course, things don’t go my way just because I plan and plan and plan. That’s how life runs. But I still don’t know why I am hell bent on trying to control things. So how to let it go? How to let life take its course and at the same time acknowledge that’s how it works? How do I get my mind to accept it? These are some questions I ponder on often. At the same time, I also wonder what in hell made me this guarded about life? What inspired me or triggered me to be the keep-in-check person that I am? I know a lot of people would crave to be me – having a plan about things, knowing where they are headed. Also, you might wonder why I am into self-criticism mode, first thing this new year. On the contrary, I am into a self-analysis mode. I want to pick the good that comes out of being organized and the good that comes out of being happy-go-lucky and put them together and make the recipe of my life. I want to get this glitch under control [Oh no, not the C word again]. I want a mix of both so that I can taste both the flavors of life. Any ideas, fellas?

Until later 🙂

P.S: If any of you give me a successful idea, my hubby would build a shrine for you because he is the one who has to put up with my must-control-everything-must-plan-everything syndrome. Poor thing! He cannot move around the house without me chiding him for leaving things where they are not supposed to go. It’s a wonder how he puts up with me when I myself wouldn’t. God bless him!