Ripples of my Reflections

I think, therefore I write

Category: ADIT & ME (Page 1 of 7)

Yay on the gaming

July 12, 2020 /

Gaming was never my cup of tea. Even as a 90’s kid, I used to try and play simple games like tetris, pacman but even mario was too much for me. I used to be interested but I struggled to work the controls. Maybe not enough hand-eye-brain coordination. In college, farm frenzy was a craze and a group of friends playing it hunched over a laptop made it easy enough for me.

However, one of the perks of being married to an avid gamer is that it does not matter that you suck at playing most commonly played games. He finds you games that you can handle and yet are challenging and interesting enough. Adit even found my category – I do well with tower defense, time management, and business games. I never realized that I had a type with gaming until he proved it to me.

He slowly started buying me games that felt interesting enough for me and I had a chance of succeeding which made me want to play more. Then he sneaked in playing co-op. I never imagined that a hard core gamer like him would even enjoy co-op games such as overcooked but we had a blast with it. We became addicted so much to it that we played late into nights after our toddler falls asleep. We’d be so tired yet we’d want to play. We also had some real fights over something as silly as a game – when the levels got so hard that losing out on a level because one of us couldn’t do something right got intolerable. We fought, made up, then fought some more.. you get how it went 🙂

So after a stream of Overcooked (both versions), Kingdom rush (all PC versions), Plants vs. Zombies, Train valley (both versions), Stardew valley, a bit of Age of Empires (I didn’t persist enough with this one), world of goo, and now trying out the co-op game “Moving out” – I think I am getting interested in gaming. Just that, I am really interested in staying with my type. I don’t like 3D, life-like or violent games but the ones that have a bit of a distance from the game and maybe a bit childish, those are fun for me.

So that’s one more for Adit, his persistence in wearing me down to try new things has a track record that’s almost unbeatable. And I am not complaining 😀

Until later 🙂

The struggle is real

November 15, 2019 /

November has been a real testing time. In fact, the past 2 years have been about handling what life throws at us. If Adit, my husband, has to face the struggle first hand, I am the half-helpless person who tries to keep things running for him.

Health issues are not new to us. We know that the life of a type 1 diabetic can be as close to normal as possible with ideal control, but it could never be fully normal. Despite what the doctors tell you, when you have to finger-prick at least 5 times a day and get insulin shots a minimum of 3 times a day, you know that you are different and you need a different attitude about life. That’s on a good day. Bad days are like going on a roller coaster ride without nothing to hang on to.

What hits more than the disease itself is a number of factors that include psycho-social acceptance, family support, healthcare costs. Unfortunately for us, the T1D awareness in India is not great and tools that enable a type 1 diabetic to get closer to ideal control are either insanely pricey or unavailable. Families are still not sure how to handle this condition and end up ignoring it and just praying for the best, instead of getting hands on and helping the person to wade through the struggle. We do not need sympathy but actually need empathy and support which we hardly get.

Fortunately though, Adit has me and thanks to our stars, affordability for the health care that is required. Being a primary caregiver for Adit, I learnt what life as a type 1 diabetic entails. I learnt acceptance in the fact that it is not something he chose or could have avoided. It was forced on him and there is no other way than to deal with it. I learnt to help him with his blood sugar readings, plan for better targets, and cook food that suited him even if it has to be bland. I still struggle in some aspects when I am ill or totally exhausted from all the work. At such times, Adit understands. When he does not, I do.

With a toddler who does not know what her father deals with, the problems her working mother faces to keep things going without a proper support system, the struggle is real. We have got no choice but to face it head on.

Inching towards a better me

October 20, 2019 /

As the clock slowly inches towards 12 AM, I am stepping towards being another year older and another year wiser. Every year when I think of having done with another year in the calendar, I wonder if I have really gotten wiser. Change doesn’t come that easy to me.

However, this year is a bit different. I realize that I have started accepting myself for who I am, albeit very slowly. For starters, I see that I am more comfortable in my skin. I have started enjoying myself and the choices I make with lesser doubts. I have accepted that I don’t have to like cooking to cook healthy and tasty food for my family and more importantly I have accepted that it is okay to not like cooking. And parenting. When I became a mother, I expected selflessness and sacrifice to come easily. It did not. And there are not many people who feel the same way or are willing to share out even if they feel so. Being non typical fed to my guilt and overthinking. However, I have come to accept that feeling so is just fine.

Being a working mom with a toddler has pushed me in improving myself as a person. I am running so much that I hardly have time for myself. My schedule is like clockwork and depends on a lot of people/things being perfect, say, my babysitter, my maid, my husband, my work, my colleagues, the delivery guys etc. Trying to run a life that demands this level of a perfection with so many factors is terribly exhausting and I just get by. So the sheer frustration of being the primary caretaker for everyone else but me drove me to take steps that I was refusing to.

I have now started dressing how I really want to rather than based on what I want others to think about me. I step out of my comfort zone and experiment and I gotta say, the results are good. My self confidence is increasing with every extra thing I manage and every previously unimaginable thing I accomplish. I am becoming increasingly confident in the fact that I do not need to be protected and that I can be a role model, if need be, to my kid. The number of guilt trips I take have reduced. The number of times I question myself or my decisions have reduced. I am capable of letting go of some things that would otherwise drive me crazy. I have learnt to agree to disagree. I have learnt that my choices may not be acceptable or likeable for others. Today, I truly believe that I can stand and deal the challenges that life gives me. Of course, I will cry, crib and worry, there is still a lot of work in progress, but I believe that I can pick myself up.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am pushing myself too much and there is a bigger cost to all this but right now I feel like it is worth the life I am living today. Being a full time working mother who manages both work and household without a typical support system is not something I ever thought I would be able to do. But here I am! Doing it, living it and having it all. I am not bragging here but I am merely astonished at the fact. It has not been a easy journey, with a type 1 diabetic spouse who needs additional help in managing his health and lifestyle that are otherwise a given for most people, a toddler who is as adamant as her parents put together, if not more, and almost zero support system.

10 years back, I wouldn’t have believed that I’d feel like this ever. But today I am proud of who I am and the life that Adit and I have built. So here’s to a better year that helps me progress and gives me the strength to handle life even better.

Until later 🙂

Why am I not bored?

November 23, 2018 /

Having been in an incredibly long relationship and married to my childhood sweetheart, the first question many ask me is – “Are you not bored?”.  When I say no, people ask, “How can you not be?”.

I cannot understand how anyone can be bored with another person just because they have been together for a long time. For me, boredom comes with personality mismatch, not with the length of a relationship. Do you get bored with your parents just because you have known them all your life? Or do you get bored with your siblings? No. You get frustrated, annoyed. angry when conflicts arise but you don’t get bored.

Also, people change incredibly fast. I am not the same person I was last year. So no matter how many number of years you put in a relationship, you have something to work on. In fact, a long relationship means that real hard work has gone in settling the chaos so that it stays afloat. What others see might be a fairy tale but there will be skeletons laid to rest (not buried, for I believe trust is the core of a relationship) before the fairy tale was built.

So pardon me if you can’t see it, but I don’t see myself getting bored with my husband just because I have known him almost all my life. And after so much time together, if I find some personality trait of his boring, I trust myself to be able to tell it to his face and I trust him enough to do something about it. 🙂

 

The story of my tattoo

July 12, 2018 /

I had never thought of tattoos much except about the pain part. That must tell you a lot about my ability to handle pain.
I still look away when I have to give a blood test. That must tell you about my cringes when I think of/see needles.

So I never imagined myself getting a tattoo, of all things. So I was kind of scared and surprised when my brain suggested that I get one. However, the motivation behind the idea was strong enough for me to sail through the rocky seas. It was our third wedding anniversary and I was racking my brains on what to gift Adit. I try to do something different each year to surprise him. Some I win, some I lose. But I try. That’s when it struck me that I could get his name tattooed.

The idea part was the easiest. What followed was endless days and weeks of overthinking. Will it pain? If yes, how much? Will this surprise make Adit happy or mad? Do I get his entire name tattooed or something symbolic? Where? Which artist? and so on. There were many sleepless nights spent on some of these questions. And after some major planning and a few stupid questions to my friends who have tattoos, I decided I was going to do it.

I had to inform Adit that I was going to do something special as I couldn’t justify me wanting to elope somewhere without a reason on our anniversary and yet wanted it to remain a surprise. So I left a puzzled Adit at home and went to the studio. Again, a few stupid questions and many jittery moments later, I was pleasantly surprised at how less it pained (of course, I had chosen a fleshy arm to bear the brunt and had some romantic songs to listen to as a distraction) and how pleased I was with the result. And I had no regrets. It felt like it was a great idea and if I had to do it again, I would.

So as I wore my tattoo with pride, Adit was surprised by the gesture and mildly annoyed by the permanence of what I did (Like I said, some I win, some I lose). I was fine with his reaction but found other family members’ and friends’ reactions hilarious. For some reason, the first question people asked was if Adit got my name tattooed. And my reaction was – well, why should he? Is this a quid pro quo?

So after over an year, I still take pride in my tattoo and love it to bits. Will I get another one? Well, if I feel like it and if something that’s worthy enough comes along, yes.

Until later 🙂

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