Ripples of my Reflections

I think, therefore I write

Category: ADIT & ME (page 1 of 7)

Inching towards a better me

As the clock slowly inches towards 12 AM, I am stepping towards being another year older and another year wiser. Every year when I think of having done with another year in the calendar, I wonder if I have really gotten wiser. Change doesn’t come that easy to me.

However, this year is a bit different. I realize that I have started accepting myself for who I am, albeit very slowly. For starters, I see that I am more comfortable in my skin. I have started enjoying myself and the choices I make with lesser doubts. I have accepted that i don’t have to like cooking to cook healthy and tasty food for my family and more importantly I have accepted that it is okay to not like cooking. And parenting. When I became a mother, I expected selflessness and sacrifice to come easily. It did not. And there are not many people who feel the same way or are willing to share out even of they feel so. Being non typical fed to my guilt and overthinking. However, I have come to accept that’s okay too.

Being a working mom with a toddler has pushed me in improving myself as a person. I am running so much that I hardly have time for myself. My schedule is like clockwork and depends on a lot of people/things being perfect, say, my babysitter, my maid, my husband, my work, my colleagues, the delivery guys etc. Trying to run a life that demands this level of a perfection with so many factors is terribly exhausting and I just get by. So the sheer frustration of being the primary caretaker for everyone else but me drove me to take steps that I was refusing to.

I am dressing how I really want to rather than based on what I want others to think about me. I step out of my comfort zone and experiment and I gotta say, the results are good. My self confidence is increasing with every extra thing I manage and every previously unimaginable thing I accomplish. I am becoming increasingly confident in the fact that I do not need to be protected and that I can be a role model, if need be, to my kid. The number of guilt trips I take have reduced. The number of times I question myself or my decisions have reduced. I am capable of letting go of some things that would otherwise drive me crazy. Today, I truly believe that I can stand and deal the challenges that life gives me. Of course, I will cry, crib and worry, there is still a lot of work in progress, but I believe that I can pick myself up.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am pushing myself too much and there is a bigger cost to all this but right now I feel like it is worth the life I am living today. Being a full time working mother who manages both work and household without a typical support system is not something I ever thought I would be able to do. But here I am! Doing it, living it and having it all. I am not bragging here but I am merely astonished at the fact. It has not been a easy journey, with a spouse who needs additional help in managing certain things that are otherwise a given for most people, a toddler who is as adamant as her parents put together, if not more, and almost zero support system.

10 years back, I wouldn’t have believed that I’d feel like this ever. But today I am proud of who I am and the life that Adit and I have built. So here’s to a better year that helps me progress and gives me the strength to handle life even better.

Until later 🙂

Why am I not bored?

Having been in an incredibly long relationship and married to my childhood sweetheart, the first question many ask me is – “Are you not bored?”.  When I say no, people ask, “How can you not be?”.

I cannot understand how anyone can be bored with another person just because they have been together for a long time. For me, boredom comes with personality mismatch, not with the length of a relationship. Do you get bored with your parents just because you have known them all your life? Or do you get bored with your siblings? No. You get frustrated, annoyed. angry when conflicts arise but you don’t get bored.

Also, people change incredibly fast. I am not the same person I was last year. So no matter how many number of years you put in a relationship, you have something to work on. In fact, a long relationship means that real hard work has gone in settling the chaos so that it stays afloat. What others see might be a fairy tale but there will be skeletons laid to rest (not buried, for I believe trust is the core of a relationship) before the fairy tale was built.

So pardon me if you can’t see it, but I don’t see myself getting bored with my husband just because I have known him almost all my life. And after so much time together, if I find some personality trait of his boring, I trust myself to be able to tell it to his face and I trust him enough to do something about it. 🙂

 

The story of my tattoo

I had never thought of tattoos much except about the pain part. That must tell you a lot about my ability to handle pain.
I still look away when I have to give a blood test. That must tell you about my cringes when I think of/see needles.

So I never imagined myself getting a tattoo, of all things. So I was kind of scared and surprised when my brain suggested that I get one. However, the motivation behind the idea was strong enough for me to sail through the rocky seas. It was our third wedding anniversary and I was racking my brains on what to gift Adit. I try to do something different each year to surprise him. Some I win, some I lose. But I try. That’s when it struck me that I could get his name tattooed.

The idea part was the easiest. What followed was endless days and weeks of overthinking. Will it pain? If yes, how much? Will this surprise make Adit happy or mad? Do I get his entire name tattooed or something symbolic? Where? Which artist? and so on. There were many sleepless nights spent on some of these questions. And after some major planning and a few stupid questions to my friends who have tattoos, I decided I was going to do it.

I had to inform Adit that I was going to do something special as I couldn’t justify me wanting to elope somewhere without a reason on our anniversary and yet wanted it to remain a surprise. So I left a puzzled Adit at home and went to the studio. Again, a few stupid questions and many jittery moments later, I was pleasantly surprised at how less it pained (of course, I had chosen a fleshy arm to bear the brunt and had some romantic songs to listen to as a distraction) and how pleased I was with the result. And I had no regrets. It felt like it was a great idea and if I had to do it again, I would.

So as I wore my tattoo with pride, Adit was surprised by the gesture and mildly annoyed by the permanence of what I did (Like I said, some I win, some I lose). I was fine with his reaction but found other family members’ and friends’ reactions hilarious. For some reason, the first question people asked was if Adit got my name tattooed. And my reaction was – well, why should he? Is this a quid pro quo?

So after over an year, I still take pride in my tattoo and love it to bits. Will I get another one? Well, if I feel like it and if something that’s worthy enough comes along, yes.

Until later 🙂

A perfect gift

Dear Aditi,

Just in time for our 4th anniversary, you come as the perfect gift
Shining like the sun, you are an instant hit
Blessed we are, to have been through this journey!

Baby doll, you are the life that brings us lessons
You are the soul that teaches us acceptance
You are the light that guides us to our purpose!

Thank you for choosing us, princess! 🙂

********

Also, here is a little something I wrote for your dad during the last few days of my pregnancy. We were scared and this was an attempt to reassure ourselves.

Parenthood

Amidst all the chaos and troubles,
Together we created something,
Something that is as beautiful,
As wonderful and as unpredictable,
As life itself.

This life that blossoms from within us,
With a spark of its own, marked as us and ours,
Truly makes our journey remarkable,
The one that we started all those years ago,
Blissfully unaware of what we had set out to do.

Just the two of us might fade into a shadow, but
Only to be replaced by the beauty of the three of us.
There’s only going to be more of you
And hence more of my love for you
So there’s nothing missing out.

Let’s walk into this lane of our journey,
Hand in hand, just as innocently,
As blissfully, and as ignorantly,
As we did all those years ago deciding to be together forever,
For life will teach and take care of us,
Just as it has all these years now.

*****

Until later 🙂

From shitty mornings to awesome days

When I wake up in the morning, struggling with sleeplessness, my day ahead seems to be filled with discomfort, frustrating chillness, food that taste like feet, fatigue, endlessly long boredom, a 100 things to do but the helplessness of not being able to do them, pain in every bone, muscle, tissue and cell. Though I know all this is part of the journey and it is all worth it, to experience it every day kind of puts a damper on my motivation and attempts to reassure myself take longer with each day.

But then…

You wake up and my day suddenly fills up with warm, toasty fingers intertwined, your smile lighting up the entire place, your massages beating the shit out of my pain and discomfort, naughty anecdotes that make us laugh, things that make us reminisce about our childhood days together, snuggling a little more into the comforter to touch the heat of your toes and go mmmm.. That’s when I know I just have to pull through until you wake up.

And right at that moment, when you open your sleepy eyes and smile at me, I revel in the egoistic happiness that I am right. If not about any other thing, I am right about you in my life.

Until later 🙂

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