Ripples of my Reflections

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Category: LIFE HAPPENS (Page 6 of 25)

The pursuit of disarray

April 22, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Anyone who knows me for a while will know that I have a thing for cleaning. However clean the place is, I won’t be satisfied. I will compare and contrast against how others maintain their houses and feel bad that I couldn’t do enough. Adit might feel that the place is sparkly clean, but all my eyes tell me is that the place is a dump. So I will place the blame on his definition of cleanliness. My mom, she keeps the place clean enough, but for her, accomplishing the work comes as a first priority. So if she has to focus on cooking an absolutely delicious meal, she would focus on that. But me, I need things to be in place, I really don’t bother about how my cooking is. So that’s that for an idea of how obsessive I am in cleaning the house. As a result, I would be constantly cleaning, without ever being satisfied. I would start cleaning our room and by the time I go from room to room, finally finishing up, our room would look like a dump (at least to my eyes). Sigh!

Sometimes I think that my mind likes this miserable feeling of dissatisfaction so that I keep striving to clean, clean and then clean some more. No amount of cleaning seems good enough. On the plus side, cleaning is therapeutic. Also, it keeps me on my toes for a decent time. A strong urge to clean is the only thing that can beat the laziness out of me and get me going when I am in a state of zero motivation.

However, ever since Aditi was born, the house has been in chaos for obvious reasons. Lack of time, energy and everything else. And people tell that it is only gonna get worse as she grows up and starts to explore. To keep myself sane, I have been chanting to myself to let the obsession go. I keep telling myself to lower the bar, to accept things in disarray. It is hard! So hard! But things are going downhill, whether I like it or not. Although I keep cleaning here and there whenever I get time, there is no way I can match my incessant mind’s expectations. Just to practice letting go, I see something that’s out of place and try doing nothing about it. But it is there in my mind constantly. Yet, I try hard to do nothing about it. Some times, it works. Other times, it is just chaos in my mind. It is hell, I tell you.

The pursuit of disarray begins… Will the ‘Monica’ in me rest in peace? 😐

Until later 🙂

The waiting game

January 25, 2018 / / 2 Comments

I am officially bored. With the impending arrival of a little one, the waiting game gets harder with each day and although I have multiple visits to my OBGYN, walking, writing, reading (My reading peaked this month as I had little else to do and I finished reading 7 books in a go that I figured I should slow down so that I don’t spend all our money on books and go broke when the little one arrives 😉 I am taking my time with the 8th book of the month on purpose), doing a bit of this and that at home, trying to work from home to save up my leaves as much as possible, none of these keep me occupied enough mentally. Yes, the waiting game has started and my impatience is not helping. While the multiple online forums and pregnancy apps tell me this is a normal thing for a mom-to-be and to relax while I can, that’s the last thing I seem to be able to do.

Other than sleepless nights and waddling like a duck around the house, nothing seems to fill my days. Sleepless nights are a funny one though. It’s not that the little one troubles me and hence I am unable to sleep. It is just me. Sometimes I wake up smack in the middle of the night and feel fresh without an ounce of sleepiness. I sit up, tired of all the sleeping on the sides and stare at the sleeping hubby (maybe envying his sleep a little). As he sleeps on with his peaceful face looking adorable, that evil thought of waking him up slips away and I spend some time in watching him sleep. Not to mention he has been creeped out the few times he stirred in his sleep and woke up to see me sitting and watching him. I assure him that nothing is wrong with me or the little one and that I just can’t sleep. There have been nights where I have written poetry about the two of us, the little one, and our life during these midnight sessions. Just for the want of doing something. Ironically though, the mornings are more difficult with sleep coming in and me struggling to wake up even at 8:30 AM. I just get up feeling ravenous and starved. So it’s get up, brush and then gobble up what mom cooked for breakfast. Thanks to her, I have something ready to eat when I get up!

And then there are nights when I just sit and think about how our life is going to be in the future. Yes, a life-changing thing and all. Yes, everyone says so. Yes, I know so. But still the experience is yet to happen. The uncertainty brings on a smile on my face and a fear in my heart. I think about my family, my job, imagine scenarios with Adit playing the dad and all that my hormone-riddled mind can come up at 2 AM in the night. These are times when I wonder that maybe I should have more 2 AM friends. The one I have sleeps beside me and I don’t have the heart to wake him. I need more options!

Pregnancy brain is quite funny, let me tell you. On some days I am quite content and in spite of the huge bump, having to walk around even when I have no energy or motivation, I find silver linings in the day and smile. On other days, I crank up the heat, cribbing about how bored I am and how scared I am. Relatives calling me every other day expecting an update don’t help either. These calls just increase my impatience. I have still a week to go for my due date, people! Don’t feed my impatience! I understand the care and concern, but the ball is pretty much in the baby’s court and not mine. So if you have issues, take it up with the little one upon arrival.

I don’t know what plans this baby has, whether to make a dramatic entry, with no symptoms till the last day and then suddenly whoosh into the world or otherwise. Whatever it is, I hope I get the acceptance to let things happen in their own way.

Until later 🙂

Overthinking about parenting

December 29, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I was sitting in a Starbucks outlet savoring an ill-chosen Cafe latte (I like cold brew than hot ones), waiting for Adit to join me. Since I had let my phone battery run down to 10% and did not bother to charge it before venturing out, I couldn’t do what one usually does while passing time at a Starbucks outlet – stare at your phone, browsing through mundane stuff. So instead, I chose to indulge in some people watching – not the creepy type but the subtle type. 🙂

Everyone was busy with their phones or talking among themselves when a family walked in. From the usual Indian context setting, I could figure out it was a group consisting of a mother with her 2 kids and either her parents or in-laws. Among the kids, the daughter was the one who immediately caught my eye. She could be about 10-12 years old and was dressed in a cool t-shirt and shorts, with short hair, fancy accessories. She was really cute and carried herself well. My mind, with typical human tendencies, started its overthinking about how far ahead kids these days are.

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Abstract reality

June 1, 2016 /

There is so much more to you than I can explain. What do I say to people who ask me why you are so important to me? You just are. There are so many ways to explain us. But none of them make it to becoming words. That’s when I realize. It’s not about explaining. It’s not about trying to fit in. It’s not about worrying that we didn’t get a normal life like many others. It’s about living in that reality where everything makes sense to us. That abstract reality is the best paradox I have encountered in my life and in so many ways, the best thing that happened to me. For some it may be an absurd thing to draw inspiration from or something that they can’t understand how much ever they try. But for us, it just fits. Life for us is very different and we know that. It is not a mandate that everyone else understands it. It’s enough that we do and that we do it well. That’s all that matters.

Until later 🙂

A mindless ritual

April 17, 2016 /

Image Source: Pinterest

Image Source: Pinterest

So many reasons to give up, but
She chooses to stay every time.
All the while she fears, oh, how she fears,
The inevitable fear that the moment,
When the reasons to stay will tempt her,
To give up, to say, enough is enough.

A smile, a kiss, a brush of hair,
To remind her of what they once were.
A hand to help, a shoulder to cry on,
To show that life cannot leech out love.
It’s not fair to have had so much
Yet, there’s so little left now.

Over & over, the cycle goes on,
As if in repeat mode, pain, loneliness, fear
Replaced by hope, faith and belief.
As a circle that never ends.
As a path that never goes anywhere.
A mindless ritual for the soul!

Until later 🙂

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