I think, therefore I write

Category: US & ADITI (Page 1 of 2)

Weekend nothings

Haven’t you heard about sweet nothings? Not just when you are in love, but you can have those when are deep into marriage and then once in a blue moon, when you have a toddler too. Yeah yeah, I hear desperate parents asking, “Really?”. But I am telling you out of personal experience. It can happen. Don’t keep looking out for it, just enjoy it when it happens.

Adit and I were always the too-lazy-to-go-out kind of people (him more than me :P). So the first 5 years of our marriage, with just us and no kid (directly translating into no great responsibilities), we had weekends and weekends full of time to do nothing. Yeah, while some were out partying, meeting up with friends, exploring different pubs and restaurants, we were very comfortable in the cozy nest of our home, more specifically, our bed.

We had a week full of our jobs, then evenings filled with watching TV/shows mixed with office meetings and then we had the weekend nothings. We would sleep in, get up late and scramble something together for breakfast. We would then have a long debate about whether we can cook lunch or eat out. It ended being 50-50. And then with all the time in hand, we would eat, sleep, play some games, watch some shows, blog, read books, repeat.. You get the point. There have been weekends when we closed the door to our home on a Friday evening and then came out only on a Monday morning, with the exception of taking the milk delivered at our doorstep in.

Yeah, I hear you. We were that lazy but the point is that we kind of enjoyed it. Here’s probably why: We were brought up in highly ambitious families, running behind grades, winning contests, and scoring seats in acceptable colleges and this independence to slow down and enjoy not-running-a-mad-race actually helped us unwind. We had also had a pressured couple of years trying to get our parents accept our decision to marry each other, then trying to get them to actually marry us off, then being coerced into booking a flat when we practically had no money and hence ending up with a huge house loan… you get the point, right? I don’t know about others, but it caused a lot of subconscious tightening. So the weekend nothings were actually enjoyable. As for seeking out friendship, we had each other as best friends. So I guess that part never bothered us either.

After 5 years of doing this, we decided it was time for a kid. Again, we spent a few months being backed into a corner by friends and family telling us it is time and us not really knowing whether to cave or stand up until we are ready. Not to mention, we caved. So once Aditi was born, our weekend nothings vanished without a trace. There was some chore to be done. Always. And we got through all of it just like most parents do. Cribbing and then dusting ourselves off. Okay, I did most of the cribbing and Adit did most of the pick-me-up bit. But that’s also because of the chore imbalance in our situation. Practicality dictated that I take care of the baby and household along with my job while he focuses on the primary income of the family and his health.

Anyway, I had given up on our sweet weekends as our baby grew up into a toddler, demanding more attention and time when this weekend sneaked up on me in being nice. It just fell into place. We did get things done, like deciding the pre-school for our daughter, taking a picture of our daughter for school and going out on an impromptu snack trip to the mall. But, the rest of the weekend was relaxed with minimal tantrums, playing around at home, cooking the bare minimum that was needed (I never really enjoy cooking). In fact, this afternoon, my paranoid mind started to think that there was some storm coming up this week to make up for this calm. But then, whether I worry or not, I will have to deal with the storm when it comes. So here I am, sitting on my couch and writing a post (something I haven’t done in a really long time) enjoying the rest of my doing-nothing-weekend.

Until later 🙂

Inching towards a better me

As the clock slowly inches towards 12 AM, I am stepping towards being another year older and another year wiser. Every year when I think of having done with another year in the calendar, I wonder if I have really gotten wiser. Change doesn’t come that easy to me.

However, this year is a bit different. I realize that I have started accepting myself for who I am, albeit very slowly. For starters, I see that I am more comfortable in my skin. I have started enjoying myself and the choices I make with lesser doubts. I have accepted that I don’t have to like cooking to cook healthy and tasty food for my family and more importantly I have accepted that it is okay to not like cooking. And parenting. When I became a mother, I expected selflessness and sacrifice to come easily. It did not. And there are not many people who feel the same way or are willing to share out even if they feel so. Being non typical fed to my guilt and overthinking. However, I have come to accept that feeling so is just fine.

Being a working mom with a toddler has pushed me in improving myself as a person. I am running so much that I hardly have time for myself. My schedule is like clockwork and depends on a lot of people/things being perfect, say, my babysitter, my maid, my husband, my work, my colleagues, the delivery guys etc. Trying to run a life that demands this level of a perfection with so many factors is terribly exhausting and I just get by. So the sheer frustration of being the primary caretaker for everyone else but me drove me to take steps that I was refusing to.

I have now started dressing how I really want to rather than based on what I want others to think about me. I step out of my comfort zone and experiment and I gotta say, the results are good. My self confidence is increasing with every extra thing I manage and every previously unimaginable thing I accomplish. I am becoming increasingly confident in the fact that I do not need to be protected and that I can be a role model, if need be, to my kid. The number of guilt trips I take have reduced. The number of times I question myself or my decisions have reduced. I am capable of letting go of some things that would otherwise drive me crazy. I have learnt to agree to disagree. I have learnt that my choices may not be acceptable or likeable for others. Today, I truly believe that I can stand and deal the challenges that life gives me. Of course, I will cry, crib and worry, there is still a lot of work in progress, but I believe that I can pick myself up.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am pushing myself too much and there is a bigger cost to all this but right now I feel like it is worth the life I am living today. Being a full time working mother who manages both work and household without a typical support system is not something I ever thought I would be able to do. But here I am! Doing it, living it and having it all. I am not bragging here but I am merely astonished at the fact. It has not been a easy journey, with a type 1 diabetic spouse who needs additional help in managing his health and lifestyle that are otherwise a given for most people, a toddler who is as adamant as her parents put together, if not more, and almost zero support system.

10 years back, I wouldn’t have believed that I’d feel like this ever. But today I am proud of who I am and the life that Adit and I have built. So here’s to a better year that helps me progress and gives me the strength to handle life even better.

Until later 🙂

Constant oscillation

A paradox of a title, I know!

Parenting – Constant oscillation between hopeful and hopeless, peace and drastic panic setting in, relaxing and exhausted till your life oozes out of your bones. Up and down and up and down and up and down. Never ending ups and downs. All within a matter of seconds.

Well, amidst all that, it’s a big thing that I even remember that this place exists!

Calling it a day with lots of phew!’s and sighs.

The answer to my questions

Every time you smile, I realize how blessed I am.

Every time I hug you, I realize how gifted I am.

Every time I inhale your baby smell, I realize how happy I am.

Every time I crib about being tired, I realize there are a lot of people who would give anything to be this tired for this reason.

Every time you rub your face against mine, I realize heaven is not impossible.

I asked myself a hundred times, why do I want to have a baby? I never knew the answer before but now I do.

You are the answer to my questions. I might have a million of them but you answer them in a million ways. Ways that I could never comprehend until you show me. Ways that would seem highly impossible until you show me.

I have always considered providing and taking care of a family to be the biggest challenge and yet, the biggest achievement of my life. And I had thought I had done it even before you came along to show me that there’s more. You showed me I can do more when I thought I couldn’t. Just like your dad. You both push me to greater heights when I myself have given up and settled. And I don’t often remember how blessed I am to have that. To have help to realize your purpose in life. But when I do remember, it overwhelms me so much that I am at a loss of words. So here’s a thank you. Thank you for everything.

I hope that someday you read this and realize how much I love you and how grateful I am to have you.

Until later 🙂

Motherhood

So fulfilling, yet so brutal. So precious, yet so frustrating.
So awesome, yet so tiring. So proud, yet wanting to run away.

The journey is amazingly detailed with attempts at prying open tired, sleep-deprived eyes to take care of someone other than your own self. Zombie-walking through the day and praying that she should sleep through the night at least once in a while so that I don’t drop from lack of sleep.

The only way out is to put one step ahead of another, to conquer yet another day with minimal disasters, to enjoy small victories like an easy burp and a proper poop from the little one, and to just keep going.

Everyday I keep reminding myself of this wonderful line from Stopping by woods on a snowy evening by Robert Frost:

I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Until later 🙂

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