A paradox of a title, I know!
Parenting – Constant oscillation between hopeful and hopeless, peace and drastic panic setting in, relaxing and exhausted till your life oozes out of your bones. Up and down and up and down and up and down. Never ending ups and downs. All within a matter of seconds.
Well, amidst all that, it’s a big thing that I even remember that this place exists!
Calling it a day with lots of phew!’s and sighs.
Every time you smile, I realize how blessed I am.
Every time I hug you, I realize how gifted I am.
Every time I inhale your baby smell, I realize how happy I am.
Every time I crib about being tired, I realize there are a lot of people who would give anything to be this tired for this reason.
Every time you rub your face against mine, I realize heaven is not impossible.
I asked myself a hundred times, why do I want to have a baby? I never knew the answer before but now I do.
You are the answer to my questions. I might have a million of them but you answer them in a million ways. Ways that I could never comprehend until you show me. Ways that would seem highly impossible until you show me.
I have always considered providing and taking care of a family to be the biggest challenge and yet, the biggest achievement of my life. And I had thought I had done it even before you came along to show me that there’s more. You showed me I can do more when I thought I couldn’t. Just like your dad. You both push me to greater heights when I myself have given up and settled. And I don’t often remember how blessed I am to have that. To have help to realize your purpose in life. But when I do remember, it overwhelms me so much that I am at a loss of words. So here’s a thank you. Thank you for everything.
I hope that someday you read this and realize how much I love you and how grateful I am to have you.
Until later 🙂
So fulfilling, yet so brutal. So precious, yet so frustrating.
So awesome, yet so tiring. So proud, yet wanting to run away.
The journey is amazingly detailed with attempts at prying open tired, sleep-deprived eyes to take care of someone other than your own self. Zombie-walking through the day and praying that she should sleep through the night at least once in a while so that I don’t drop from lack of sleep.
The only way out is to put one step ahead of another, to conquer yet another day with minimal disasters, to enjoy small victories like an easy burp and a proper poop from the little one, and to just keep going.
Everyday I keep reminding myself of this wonderful line from Stopping by woods on a snowy evening by Robert Frost:
I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.
Until later 🙂
Yes, I can do this! Yay!
Wait, who am I kidding? I am exhausted.
You got this!
Oh my god, what have we done?
It’s precious, I am blessed.
Is this how it is gonna be for the rest of our lives?
It’s all worth it.
What am I gonna do?
And it goes on… The fear, the happiness, the unconditional love, the guilt, the fulfillment, the frustration, the constant terrifying question that you ask yourself – will I be able to do this?
That’s parenting for the most part, riding up and down the waves without any stability, going with the flow.. It’s a new experience, fulfilling and terrifying at the same time.
Until later 🙂
As expected, dear daughter started life lessons for me from day 1 although it might have taken a while for me to accept and embrace that. I confess, I did not embrace motherhood gracefully. Honestly, I didn’t expect myself to. I know that I would make a drama, go through all kinds of emotional waves and then resign to the fact that this is yet another thing in life that I cannot plan or control. And that’s what I did. We had our fair share of troubles in these early months of 2018. Handling them along with taking care of the baby was no piece of cake. It was hard. I tried, I cried, then I slogged through the times.
Anyway, the little one taught me some lessons with an air of casual nonchalance – most of which I know but find it hard to accept and embrace:
Every day, every moment is unpredictable and I cannot plan for it. No matter how much I plan, whatever is gonna happen will happen. This is something that is very hard for me to accept and I still do the mistake of planning things too much in advance and then remind myself that it is not going to be my way.
No one said life is easy. Most of all, no one said parenting is easy. It is difficult but people say it is worth it. I am trying not to think about the returns on this one because I have a feeling that parenting is much more than that. Doing something selflessly is what I think is the lesson here.
No matter what I do, what I think, the little one is going to do what she wants. The same thing happens with all relationships too. There is no use setting standards for people and expecting them to behave the way we want them to.
There are things you like, things you don’t, and then things that you loathe. No matter what it is, you gotta do it when life expects you to. There are certain things in life where you don’t get to back out.
And finally, be happy and do what you want. If you wanna cry, cry. If you wanna laugh, laugh. Do whatever the hell you want and live life. There’s no reason not to.
Until later 🙂