I think, therefore I write

Tag: Life (Page 4 of 15)

Motherhood

So fulfilling, yet so brutal. So precious, yet so frustrating.
So awesome, yet so tiring. So proud, yet wanting to run away.

The journey is amazingly detailed with attempts at prying open tired, sleep-deprived eyes to take care of someone other than your own self. Zombie-walking through the day and praying that she should sleep through the night at least once in a while so that I don’t drop from lack of sleep.

The only way out is to put one step ahead of another, to conquer yet another day with minimal disasters, to enjoy small victories like an easy burp and a proper poop from the little one, and to just keep going.

Everyday I keep reminding myself of this wonderful line from Stopping by woods on a snowy evening by Robert Frost:

I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Until later 🙂

Can and Can’t

Yes, I can do this! Yay!
Wait, who am I kidding? I am exhausted.
You got this!
Oh my god, what have we done?
It’s precious, I am blessed.
Is this how it is gonna be for the rest of our lives?
It’s all worth it.
What am I gonna do?

And it goes on… The fear, the happiness, the unconditional love, the guilt, the fulfillment, the frustration, the constant terrifying question that you ask yourself – will I be able to do this?

That’s parenting for the most part, riding up and down the waves without any stability, going with the flow.. It’s a new experience, fulfilling and terrifying at the same time.

Until later 🙂

The certain uncertainty

We live our lives assuming we have complete control over everything around us or at least everything that involves us. Life keeps telling us that it is not so but will we ever learn? The uncertainty is hidden in plain sight. The irony mocks at us every single day. We call it Murphy’s law, bad luck and tough times, when the truth of it is staring at us head on. There is only uncertainty in life. Everything else is an illusion of control. The plans that we make – they are little blips to help us feel as if we are in control, to keep us from turning into hopeless cases of melancholy. But what we miss is to realise that in the grand scheme of things, it is all chaos stringed together to seem like an orderly world.

The butterfly effect is a perfect explanation for life and in a hurry to escape the effect, we lose something important – The skill to accept and handle uncertainty in life. And when things happen and put you in place, you just feel like you are hit on the face straight on. But the truth is you could have seen it coming, if only you accept that you cannot see it coming. Get the irony? Well, this is the message given to me by this year 2018 and the message is still being delivered. And like a true homo sapien, I hopelessly cling on to my plans. Until I get hit in the face again.

Until later 🙂

A perfect gift

Dear Aditi,

Just in time for our 4th anniversary, you come as the perfect gift
Shining like the sun, you are an instant hit
Blessed we are, to have been through this journey!

Baby doll, you are the life that brings us lessons
You are the soul that teaches us acceptance
You are the light that guides us to our purpose!

Thank you for choosing us, princess! 🙂

********

Also, here is a little something I wrote for your dad during the last few days of my pregnancy. We were scared and this was an attempt to reassure ourselves.

Parenthood

Amidst all the chaos and troubles,
Together we created something,
Something that is as beautiful,
As wonderful and as unpredictable,
As life itself.

This life that blossoms from within us,
With a spark of its own, marked as us and ours,
Truly makes our journey remarkable,
The one that we started all those years ago,
Blissfully unaware of what we had set out to do.

Just the two of us might fade into a shadow, but
Only to be replaced by the beauty of the three of us.
There’s only going to be more of you
And hence more of my love for you
So there’s nothing missing out.

Let’s walk into this lane of our journey,
Hand in hand, just as innocently,
As blissfully, and as ignorantly,
As we did all those years ago deciding to be together forever,
For life will teach and take care of us,
Just as it has all these years now.

*****

Until later 🙂

The waiting game

I am officially bored. With the impending arrival of a little one, the waiting game gets harder with each day and although I have multiple visits to my OBGYN, walking, writing, reading (My reading peaked this month as I had little else to do and I finished reading 7 books in a go that I figured I should slow down so that I don’t spend all our money on books and go broke when the little one arrives 😉 I am taking my time with the 8th book of the month on purpose), doing a bit of this and that at home, trying to work from home to save up my leaves as much as possible, none of these keep me occupied enough mentally. Yes, the waiting game has started and my impatience is not helping. While the multiple online forums and pregnancy apps tell me this is a normal thing for a mom-to-be and to relax while I can, that’s the last thing I seem to be able to do.

Other than sleepless nights and waddling like a duck around the house, nothing seems to fill my days. Sleepless nights are a funny one though. It’s not that the little one troubles me and hence I am unable to sleep. It is just me. Sometimes I wake up smack in the middle of the night and feel fresh without an ounce of sleepiness. I sit up, tired of all the sleeping on the sides and stare at the sleeping hubby (maybe envying his sleep a little). As he sleeps on with his peaceful face looking adorable, that evil thought of waking him up slips away and I spend some time in watching him sleep. Not to mention he has been creeped out the few times he stirred in his sleep and woke up to see me sitting and watching him. I assure him that nothing is wrong with me or the little one and that I just can’t sleep. There have been nights where I have written poetry about the two of us, the little one, and our life during these midnight sessions. Just for the want of doing something. Ironically though, the mornings are more difficult with sleep coming in and me struggling to wake up even at 8:30 AM. I just get up feeling ravenous and starved. So it’s get up, brush and then gobble up what mom cooked for breakfast. Thanks to her, I have something ready to eat when I get up!

And then there are nights when I just sit and think about how our life is going to be in the future. Yes, a life-changing thing and all. Yes, everyone says so. Yes, I know so. But still the experience is yet to happen. The uncertainty brings on a smile on my face and a fear in my heart. I think about my family, my job, imagine scenarios with Adit playing the dad and all that my hormone-riddled mind can come up at 2 AM in the night. These are times when I wonder that maybe I should have more 2 AM friends. The one I have sleeps beside me and I don’t have the heart to wake him. I need more options!

Pregnancy brain is quite funny, let me tell you. On some days I am quite content and in spite of the huge bump, having to walk around even when I have no energy or motivation, I find silver linings in the day and smile. On other days, I crank up the heat, cribbing about how bored I am and how scared I am. Relatives calling me every other day expecting an update don’t help either. These calls just increase my impatience. I have still a week to go for my due date, people! Don’t feed my impatience! I understand the care and concern, but the ball is pretty much in the baby’s court and not mine. So if you have issues, take it up with the little one upon arrival.

I don’t know what plans this baby has, whether to make a dramatic entry, with no symptoms till the last day and then suddenly whoosh into the world or otherwise. Whatever it is, I hope I get the acceptance to let things happen in their own way.

Until later 🙂

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