I think, therefore I write

A look at the mirror

It’s been a week into the new year and I am still wondering what my first post of the year should be. Well, I thought hard and loud and decided to throw caution to the winds. Today I am penning down a confession of sorts. Yes! And the confession is about just me and doesn’t involve anyone else. So without the worry of disclaimers and warnings, here it goes.

I am a huge control freak. Time and again, I have always known this at the back of my mind but never got around to stare it straight in the face and say it out. The reason being the inability for acceptance of the fact. While being a control freak can mean good things like being the one who is always responsible, who always thinks twice before doing anything, who is always there for others to do impulse decisions and enjoy their life. At the same time, it also eats at your peace a lot. You are always worried/taking care of/managing something or the other. I can safely say that I have not taken any significant impulsive decisions so far in my life. About the non-significant ones, hell yeah, I have a ton of them in line. My impulsive, impromptu decisions involve buying something that I feel is not worth the price just because I like it or doing something immediately just because I want the work done. Even there, my need for having control over everything and wanting the task at hand done plays the more important role.

Thinking back, this personality of mine has been sowed a long time ago. I could remember a variety of memories from my college time to prove this. When people wanted to just get wet in the rain, they just would. On the other hand, I would worry about my books getting wet and would hand over all my things that I don’t want to get wet to someone who has an umbrella and then start enjoying the rain. I would justify myself saying that I am not making the money so I wouldn’t waste it. Be it exams, assignments or anything for that matter, I always had a plan. Even if it was to fare poorly in a test, I would know beforehand that my preparation is not enough. I have never been able to just forget about the exam that’s due tomorrow and play minesweeper while a lot of my friends did.

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Even now, I keep forming plans well before while hubby waits till the last minute to decide. That’s one thing I would add to the list of how different we are. I go crazy when he wouldn’t form and let me know the plans before. I keep nagging him and when it seems like he wouldn’t give up, I would form a backup plan of my own. Heck, even when I have a busy week and the house is messy, I have an organized messy blueprint. Certain things go in certain places even though they are messy and none is to disturb that. I hate unannounced or unexpected events although my rational mind knows that nothing in life is under *my* control actually. I make lists and complete them or at least find something close to completion so that I am at peace. There’s always a Plan A and a Plan B. For every single thing. Sometimes I wonder whether the non-acceptance of uncertainty is pushing me to even cling on to the illusion of me having things in my control.

There are times when I wish that I would get up one day and do something just in the spur of the moment. After all the high being in control gives me, I guess I still realize that I am missing on the “letting go” part of life.  Of course, things don’t go my way just because I plan and plan and plan. That’s how life runs. But I still don’t know why I am hell bent on trying to control things. So how to let it go? How to let life take its course and at the same time acknowledge that’s how it works? How do I get my mind to accept it? These are some questions I ponder on often. At the same time, I also wonder what in hell made me this guarded about life? What inspired me or triggered me to be the keep-in-check person that I am? I know a lot of people would crave to be me – having a plan about things, knowing where they are headed. Also, you might wonder why I am into self-criticism mode, first thing this new year. On the contrary, I am into a self-analysis mode. I want to pick the good that comes out of being organized and the good that comes out of being happy-go-lucky and put them together and make the recipe of my life. I want to get this glitch under control [Oh no, not the C word again]. I want a mix of both so that I can taste both the flavors of life. Any ideas, fellas?

Until later 🙂

P.S: If any of you give me a successful idea, my hubby would build a shrine for you because he is the one who has to put up with my must-control-everything-must-plan-everything syndrome. Poor thing! He cannot move around the house without me chiding him for leaving things where they are not supposed to go. It’s a wonder how he puts up with me when I myself wouldn’t. God bless him!

13 Comments

  1. Sid

    I think most of us have an obsession with wanting discipline in certain areas of our lives. When your priority is not the same as the others, they just term you as a control freak 🙂 I suppose, if you must, it might be ideal for you to list out things that really get on your nerves v/s things that get on your nerve but you can still manage. Pick and choose your battles so to speak. And say if you plan a vacation and have everything down to a T, if you have 5 days, plan for 4 and maybe do something spontaneous for day 5. I’m just throwing suggestions out there.

    • Keirthana

      First of all, Welcome here!

      Wow, that’s a mature way of handling things 😉 I am not bothered with others labeling me a control freak but sometimes I do feel I can do without being having to hold it in all the time. It’s not a regret more like wanting a change.

      Your approach sounds really good because I want to get the good in both sides. Thanks for the suggestions, I will surely try them out.

  2. Bikram

    opposites attract – dont they 🙂

    Bikram’s

    • Keirthana

      Indeed 🙂

  3. Ajay Kontham

    Dear K,

    Please give me the power to plan. I suck at it. I do think of doing something, but then I lazy around and procrastinate. 🙁
    Just tell us how do you do that, please ?

    • Keirthana

      Ha ha, how contradicting! It’s not something I have as a power. It’s quite the opposite. It nags me when I don’t plan. My mind will come up with all sorts of things that can go wrong and how I will be unprepared if I don’t plan. That image is enough to push me to just plan the next 10 years of my life although nothing ever goes the way I plan. Knowing that, I still can’t stop planning. :/

  4. Uma

    Was it me you were talking about? Because all of this is so true, including the hubby being the relaxed one at my household too. I also wonder how he tolerates me :-p

    • Keirthana

      Ha! I am glad that I am not the only one in the zoo 😉 We are lucky to have such hubbies. I often think what I’d do if the case was reversed and I am almost sure that I would lock him out of the house if he is such a pain 😛

  5. rohan

    its good to plan things before coz one can have peace of mind and can enjoy things 100%.when i want to watch a movie,i do plan and book tickets before instead of scrambling for tickets in the last minute on opening weekend.some people do come without planning and end up getting tickets which don’t fall in same row and disturb others to interchange.planning is always a behavior of mature for their good without causing inconvenience to others.doing things momentarily is like gambling,you may win or lose,it may bring happiness or sorrow.but with planning,one can be 99% sure about being happy.

    one can do things momentarily when you have things open to you in abundant and can never go wrong.

    • Keirthana

      Agreed on the good side of it but many a times having to be the one who has to be constantly on check also irks me sometimes. I want to be free on those occasions. Doing things correctly on the go is also a talent that’s required in life, I believe 🙂

      • rohan

        hmm,if you want to fly like a free bird,then i can suggest what i do.whenever i get bored with routine life in my city.i get ready with a pair of clothes in my backpack and fly to far off places like leh,gangtok,darjeeling,shillong.i like going alone without any pre-planned itinerary. during this journey, i met lot of people who became close to me across different states.its like i dunno where am going in these places and whom am meeting.its like running away far from people who irritate in every aspect of life in city.

        its not logical to say one can do things correctly on the go,coz the external elements are not in your control to get things done.it may go right or wrong by chance.when people say,they can do things correctly without planning,that’s absurdity.

  6. Visha

    Ah, I see myself in you. I like to be in control of things, be it at work or home. I got it from my dad. Everything was meticulously planned, a vacation, or stock purchase or even a simple appliance purchase. Zack is complete ulta. He never plans and takes in each day as it comes. And it has started rubbing on me too. Not completely, but once in a while. Like that one time when I decided to join him on a train journey, without a reserved ticket.

    Let your hubby be in charge of everything for one thing. Like a vacation, or a simple outing? slowly, you will enjoy the freedom that comes with not worrying – what next. And since we are not internally built to let go of planning everything, one small step somewhere, at a time, wont be risky 🙂

    P.S Yours is a wordpress blog, then why oh why cant I follow you? I never get your post notifications 🙁

    • Keirthana

      Now when I think of it, I too guess I got it from my dad. Ah! How life matches us na? Women who plan prim and proper are tagged with hubbies who enjoy the spur of the moment 🙂

      Your idea sounds great. I should give hubby a free reign once a while, when it won’t cause much damage and see how it goes. Thanks Visha!

      About the P.S, I have done some gimmick and sent you a mail about it. Hope you can get my post notifications from now on 🙂

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