I think, therefore I write

Entering into Marriage – Parents

A lot of happenings in my life and in lives around me has prompted me to write this 2 part post. Entering into Marriage – Youth will follow soon.

Disclaimer: Let me just make it clear before I start that I am not biased in favor of arranged or love marriage, nor in favor of parents or the youth when it comes to the issue of approaching marriage. I am a neutral person who believes this is a case-to-case basis and everything can be solved by a clear open-minded talk from all the people involved.

Selecting a guy/girl to share your life with has become a business. I am not sparing love or arranged marriage here. Both are competing equally in causing havoc and in spreading good.Β  When a girl turns 24 (the age here varies from 24 to 26 according to the families), the pressure to get married starts. Guys are cut a certain slack here in the age factor, but girls are not spared. I am not blaming the parents for wanting to finish their duties and to give their daughter a happy life. I am just saying please check if she is mentally ready for entering into marriage. This is not just some duty that needs to be checked off in the to-do list. This is your daughter’s life. If you make her enter into something that she is not ready for, there is a good chance when she might think it is all too much for her to take and take rash decisions which would make you and the entire family regret.

The next pressure is on the couple to have kids before the girl turns 28-30 (again I am giving an age range). You say that’s how it is meant to be and the girl’s body takes the pregnancy pressure well during that time. Fine point! Agreed! But there is something called mental readiness added to the readiness of the woman’s body to take up the toil of pregnancy. If she is not ready to have a baby, pressurizing her is just gonna ruin the family’s life. The same goes for the guy. He might have some plans to get settled and have some savings before a baby comes along. It is not fair to force him to give you a grandchild when he is insecure. It might just ruin his confidence that he can lead a family well and he might feel out of place with his own baby.

You can argue saying that I got married at this age and had kids at this age and I am still living happily. But you have to accept the fact that times have changed. You were brought up to listen to your parents and marry whomever they show without a second thought and live forever with that person even if you think they are not the right person for you. But we are not like that. In the process of having more exposure, earning more, achieving more than it was possible back then, this self-thinking, independent nature also kicked in. Nothing can be done about that. It comes as a package. If you try to customize it, you will end up ruining the relationship with your child. Please do not see this as rebellious nature. Rebellious nature comes in only when there is no one to listen to us patiently. If you show that you are all for an open discussion, your child will not put up a rebellion. Instead he/she will be grateful to have such understanding parents.

In arranged marriages, before showing photos of prospective guys and girls to your daughters and sons respectively, there is one thing you need to do. Have a face to face talk with your son/daughter and find how ready he/she is in selecting a life partner. Try to check if he/she is clear in his/her expectations from a life partner. Give them some insights about adjustments and compromises for the greater good of the family, taking up responsibilities in the personal front and the like. Because facing the brutal world everyday in their jobs and being away from home for the sake of earning, people these days have learnt how not to compromise and ingrained with a fact that if they did, they will end up as losers. Also, in the process of concentrating on career and money making, they would have given into recklessness when it comes to personal lifestyle. However, the same concept will not apply when it comes to a family. It is not like they will not compromise but they need to be reminded of what it takes to live a married life. That too with some person whom they recently got to know about. Responsibilities of having to look after another person will seem scary. This talk would assure your daughter or son that marriage is not a scary phase but instead a lovable responsible phase of life.

As for love marriages, before rejecting blindly please consider the option. It is not as bad as you think. I am not talking about the illusion of infatuation ending in marriages or those who lack confidence on their parents and elope. I am talking about the people who are mature enough and have found someone they really like to spend their lives with and would like their parents to consider their choice. So before damning all the people who are in love as people blinded by infatuation and on the path to a huge failure, consider the prospect for a moment. If the person chosen by your son/daughter is a good choice, will he/she look after your son/daughter well – get to know him/her. Try to understand why your son/daughter chose this person. Think of the situation as thought you are selecting a prospective guy/girl for your son/daughter. If that’s the case, you will give an unbiased analysis right? Why not give the same treatment? All we are saying is if some unknown girl you suddenly bring into your son’s life can take care of him well, there is a better chance that this known girl whom your son wants will put her before him to take a bullet. Please do not bring controversies like caste, community, status and what others will think into picture here. If your son/daughter don’t believe in these stuff, they are gonna outright reject your opinions about this. All you want in life is your child to be happy right? Why should you let it be blotted by such blind beliefs? If a girl of your son’s choice will make him the most happy (Again I am talking about mature good choices), what reason do you have to deny it? Isn’t it the same as you want for him?

All I am saying here is respect your child’s choices. Don’t blindly accept or blindly reject. Present your valid reasons in any case. Ask your son/daughter to present their case. Have an open reasonable talk and I can assure that there will be no issues. Let marriage be the best gift you give to your child, not something you force upon him/her.

For all those people who are wondering who am I to give this gyaan and that I am too young to advise you, here are 2 pointers:

1. This is my opinion and despite my young age, I am a person too. I have opinions too. I might be right or wrong but these are *my* opinions and I have a right to express them.

2. I am not stopping here with writing gyaan post addressed to parents. The youths of this age do a lot of mistakes in approaching this whole marriage pressure, selecting partners of their own choice, convincing their parents that they made a good informed choice and end up hurting their parents. Parents are the most important people for anyone in the world. So I will write a sequel addressed to my peers. So please patiently wait until I put up the sequel post and then rant out. πŸ™‚

Until later πŸ™‚

19 Comments

  1. Uma

    πŸ™‚ a well-thought out mature post, I’d say, Keirthana. I am smiling at the disclaimer at the end. πŸ™‚
    yes, marriages have become a greater deal now in spite of changes in living and thinking of both-the parents and the younger adults. There is a section of youth that has its priorities all skewed up and is not ready for anything serious in life while there is another spectrum that is all sorted out. Parents hang somewhere in the middle of all this, quite clueless at times and perplexed as to how they should tackle their now grown up kids. Communication and being tuned to the child right from the beginning is the key, IMO.

    • Keirthana

      Thanks Uma!

      Yeah, had to give the disclaimer. Otherwise parents might think I am out to get them. I totally agree that there is a section of youth who do not think about what their parents go through in this phase. Both sides need to be open with each other.

      Thanks for dropping by and hope you would enjoy the sequel as well. πŸ™‚

  2. Sriram

    This is a simple way of looking at the issue but it has its own complexities. For instance, what happens when parents give a negative response at the end of their unbiased analysis? Do you think their son/daughter will understand their reasoning? If parents are able to convince their son/daughter in this case, then they are capable of convincing their son/daughter on a prospective girl/guy of their choice as well. I think it is an open ended problem. Just an opinion.

    • Keirthana

      Totally accept and understand your opinion. What I meant to express is, when parents have an open discussion with their children, someway down the talk, there is a very good chance that either one sees the other person’s point of reasoning. Open discussion maximizes the scope of understanding. So the chances of a dead end with a reasonable talk is very minimal.

  3. Ajay Konthamβ„’

    Well, I have a cousin sister, a year older to me. Though she isn’t interested in marriage at the moment, but back at home the search still continues so that by the time she makes up her mind, something would be in place.
    The thing is that, I tease her every now and then, that her marriage is about to be scheduled in a month and that it is altogether a total surprise, or something like that.

    Thanks for the gyaan, Madam ji.
    But I think I will give a pass on the whole marriage thing, I never liked it, you know.

    Btw, Me marriage epudu ? πŸ˜›
    (I hope you understood this line)
    Mamalani pillustara ?
    (and this line as well).

    • Keirthana

      Poor girl!! Let me see if you are able to pass on the marriage thing. When it is your turn, it will become a hell of a pressure from your parents, relatives, friends and every individual who knows you. Good luck with it! If you are really not interested in marriage, then I can agree with your point. However, if the right girl comes along let me see how long your resistance stands. πŸ˜›

      Naa marriage this year end or next year beginning andi..Date fix ayyaka kachidhanga mimalni pillusthanu.. I understand and speak Telugu very well that many of my friends and colleagues doubt if I am a Tamilian at all! So no issues there πŸ™‚

      • Ajay Konthamβ„’

        Well, I can beat out the pressure.
        But I am still concerned with the right girl concept. Hmph, lets’ see. And you say resistance, and I got that in abundance, or so I think for now.

        OMG, you know telugu far better than me. And yeah, are you a Tamilian? By the looks of it, I find it hard to believe it.

        And chala thanks andi, tappakunda vastanu. πŸ˜€

        • Keirthana

          Yeah, let’s see about that. If you really have nil interest, you can pass on it πŸ˜›

          Yeah, that’s the reaction I get everywhere πŸ˜›

  4. Raghavan alias Saravanan M

    Just an attendance before reading the Post. I guess I need to have a good amount of time to read it patiently. Will come back shortly!

    I had missed a few posts it looks like! πŸ™ Apologies.

    • Keirthana

      No issues anna. Take your own time πŸ™‚ And I doubt if you will enjoy this post as much as the sequel I am going to write. Better read both and let me know your views!

  5. shiva

    lets explain the concept of marriage.marriage is a medieval custom to keep society in order and stable.in ancient india ,opposite genders din’t had scope to socialise. so to keep the future generations intact and to flourish they introduced a custom called marriage.marriage happens between two strangers and the marriage is a commitment to be responsible for the rest of life.so they intoduced rituals ,astrology,all stuff around marriage to create stable society.in modern world ,opposite genders have many occasions from schooling ,offices to public places to gather,meet and understand.why do we need a medieval custom called marriage which was meant for strangers to keep together. its very funny when people opt for marriage in modern world.

    yeah we need marriage technically to be registered for the sake of it to get passport,visa and to inherit property.otherwise ,marriage is belief of a insecure and non-committed individuals who feel a custom called marriage will keep them together.

    • Keirthana

      Yes, It was a custom introduced back then. Rules need to be flexed or changes as the world changes. I would not go as far as there is no need for marriages at all because this society however developed and modern needs some rules to be a civilization. Else everything might fall into chaos. I would say if the society can be more open to certain changes in beliefs, marriage can be seen as a lovely occasion without any blind beliefs and as a celebration of the journey that the 2 people start. Some argue that today it is done as a celebration of the same kind but somewhere in the chaotic varieties of demands made by society, the happiness is lost and it becomes a chore to be finished than a happy occasion

      • shiva

        one need not marry,two people can live forever without marriage if they are true.being true is more than civilised,thats what i meant.

        • Keirthana

          I understand that, it depends on the individual’s perspective.

  6. Raghavan alias Saravanan M

    Interesting post Keirthana. I first of all appreciate you for having penned down (rather vented out!!) your thoughts with a bold face! I could also get the pulse of the post and your thoughts.

    As you said, let me wait for the sequel, which is what I am very much looking for πŸ™‚ I am sure you would do justice to the other side of the coin as well. Good luck.

    Cheers,
    Raghavan alias Saravanan M
    Jeddah | Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

    • Keirthana

      Thanks anna πŸ™‚ It is a vent, true. I intend to do full justice to the other side of the coin because more than the parents, the children do more mistakes due to their inability to understand olden days’ culture and their parents mentality.

  7. Sharath

    Well.. that’s a lovely message for both Youth & Parents.. i’ve read both the posts… though you say that you are young to write this post (gyan what you say) i say your are much matured by mind and conveyed the message well. And about love marriages there will always be a Monster which spoils every thing i.e. Caste/religion..(my opinion, at-least what i have seen) may be as u said inserting small changes can do some wonders.. hope so πŸ™‚
    And the most crazy part in arranged marriage is when two families meet for the first time.. everyone (boy side) will be staring at the Girl (Bride) how embarrassed the girl would be… such a hard situation for a girl i say.. i noticed this when my sis got a match.. ahh!! my comment is getting longer here πŸ˜›
    Thanks for Gyan!! πŸ™‚ BTW you speak good Telugu.. hehe πŸ™‚

    • Keirthana

      Ha ha, I can say that I have suffered a lot in my life and also suffered indirectly because of people around me who messed up big time in this aspect.

      Yeah, staring at the girl is awkward. I heard from my relatives and friends that it is the most confusing situation not knowing what to do when so many people keep looking at you and ask the same questions like what are you doing, where did you complete your studies etc. Some things never change!

      Thanks, I speak decent Telugu when I am allowed to use english words whenever I can. Pure Telugu is beyond scope.

      Thanks for coming by and for the compliments. Hope that you will drop by again.

      • Sharath

        haha.. n i guess soon you are going to face that confusing situation.. hope you’ll tackle it well πŸ™‚ (Just saying)
        Oh yeah… of course i will, i read many of your posts earlier here and also at DOV πŸ˜€
        http://wonderfulmomentz.blogspot.in/ is the place i write, you are welcome to have a look! πŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.