Read prequel here
Now that I have shot all my arrows at the parent sector, I realize I must do enough justice to the members of the current generation too [which includes me] 🙂 They are no less guilty when it comes to the marriage drama.
I see many people these days who are lost in confusion about what they want. This is not only for the marriage thing but in almost everything. But for the sake of not digressing, I am gonna talk only about confusions in the marriage phase. A lot of choices have come up now. It is no longer like how it was. No one is interested in nodding their heads to their parents’ choices and marry the girl/guy without even seeing their would-be partner’s face. Today everything is about understanding the other person better. All this is for good, I agree. However, I have seen many people who do not know what kind of person they are interested in or would be most compatible with. I am not saying you need a full character sketch ready before you start looking for prospects in an arranged marriage. I am just saying that doing a self-analysis and knowing yourself better would help you arrive at a conclusion about what kind of partner you would be interested in. Please do this little self-analysis and find out major factors which you would be looking for – the person’s character, place, family type, job, salary etc. Have a general idea about which you would want or not want.
Money plays big roles these days. The guy’s job and income attracts girls more than the guy’s character. The next important factor seems to be looks. Don’t start with the brickbats. I have seen such people. I am not demeaning your choices. Just that consider all the factors from all perspectives from a long run view. Impulsive decisions might be good now, but when looked back from ten years later you might sing a different tune. Life will make you do so.
The next turn off for girls is when a guy lives with his parents. I didn’t know that living with parents meant joint family these days. This is one thing I was proud of Indian culture but sadly that too is gone now. Yes, I agree you need your privacy when you are trying to settle in the new family. However, you cannot forget that they are the immediate family for you now. They have raised their son for years with selfless unconditional love. That might cause some parents to have insecure feelings due to which they might seem a little interfering to you. My question is why can’t you be the bigger person and not let these stuff affect you or the family? Won’t you do this for your parents? Nuclear family types are good too, but that is not the only choice. My opinion is I am sad that this is even becoming a hurdle factor when it comes to match-making.
As for the guy, I will just give one point which will convey everything. The girl you are marrying is leaving behind her own family and coming to an entirely new place and family, sometimes to a totally different culture depending on only one person – You! Have that in mind. If you cannot cut the girl a certain slack and stand by her until she is comfortable, then there is no point for you in getting married. This is true for both love and arranged marriage. Please create a balance your parents and your wife smartly. Make her comfortable in your home. If you succeed in this one thing, you can lead a very happy life.
In the marriage process, your parents might give you loads of pressure as I mentioned in the earlier post. Dealing with it is horrible. You will feel you cannot compromise on your stand and at the same time you cannot leave your parents too. In spite of all this, take a moment to think what your parents go through. All the relatives would be pressing them and possibly even ridiculing them if you are taking too much time to decide. You might think what relatives think is none of our business. But our parents, who are from a different brought up and with a different mind-set will find it difficult to shrug such things off. They will have their own fears about your future too. They have done so much for you that they would not want to think of any failure in this crucial part of your life. Try to have a calm talk with them if you feel their pressure is suffocating you. Even if they are adamant, convey in a calm yet strong way that you cannot be forced into anything. Also, try to make them understand that you are taking your time only to make the right decision and not to just escape. Shouting at them or avoiding them is gonna cause more problems than ever. Parents won’t be able to take in that their son or daughter is talking back to them like that and other paranoid feelings will creep in.
If you are not ready for it, do a self-analysis and think what you want now before stepping into this serious phase of life. Have a sketch and explain your mindset to your parents. Do not make your parents a scapegoat because of your confused state. For people who are thinking in lines of passing off the marriage thing, I do not know what to say. It is your own choice, but given the current societal conditions you will find it really hard. So good luck in pulling it off and if you do pull it off, it means you have the most understanding parents ever and be grateful to them.
For people who are into love marriages, here is a special dose of experience. Please do not think of leaving your parents and marrying off on your own. However hard it is, please stick to your fact and stick to your parents too. Tell them clearly that you are not gonna marry anyone else than your heart’s choice. How much ever they push you, just make this clear and be calm. That’s it. It will be hard. Tears, accusations, threatens will follow. Deal with them on a case to case basis cleverly. But do not falter on your resolution to stay with your parents. They will relent in the end. They might do it reluctantly but that is better than the negative choice. With time, you can wash away the reluctance by showing them you were right, in action.
Parents have done a lot for you. A LOT! You cannot even begin to comprehend the limit of their care, affection, sacrifices, love in this lifetime. You can understand this only when you become a parent. We have to change our parents to become more open-minded. Agreed! We need to do it gradually since it is hard for them than for us. If you try to push them, it will scare them off. They will think you have gone beyond their reach and have changed for the worse. So please do not hurt them.
In the way of traditional marriage, there are a lot of customs which we find irritating and a waste of time. The elder generation will want to stick to it for a lot of reasons. Try not to shrug off everything. If something is very ridiculous and unreasonable, explain why you think so. Otherwise, if there is something which you can do with a minimal effort and can bring a big smile on their face, what is wrong in doing it? A change can be brought only gradually. If you just reject every tradition, your point is not gonna go across, instead you will go across as an arrogant disrespecting kid. For a change, try to insert small changes slowly. You will see that you are getting better results that way.
Though there are a lot more to say, I am stopping here because the post has become too long already. The bottom line is give parents the due respect which they deserve very much. They are the only people who will support you no matter what in this world. They will never ever turn their backs on you. So extend the same courtesy to them too. Whether the issue in concern is marriage or something else.
Until later 🙂
P.S: I know that I have risked brickbats, tomatoes and rotten eggs with this big gyaan session to parents and younger generation. 😛 I have just written based on my lessons and realizations. If you do not agree, it is your choice and that’s fine by me. These are my personal reflections.
Very well knitted post… You aptly mentioned that there are lot of young people exploring the arrange marriage route but not clear about choices. Also, I know many who started with some hi-fi checklist and then after rejecting all good alliances on the pretext of some or other thing, finally settled for whatever came across their way as their biological clock is ticking!!
Also, it is my personal opinion that any married couple should stay independently ( might be near to parent’s place but not in the same house). In this way they can explore & evolve their relationship without any third person’s influence or interference.Both the parties( parents & couple) should treat each other with respect and as mature adults, then only the sanctity of relationship does not loses its sheen.
Thanks Nibedita 🙂 I agree that privacy for the newly married is a necessity and staying nearby but not in the same house helps in retaining the sanctity of the relationship. Nowadays, many parents realize this on their own and make appropriate arrangements.
What I meant was some people these days think of parents as a hindrance rather than subtly resolving the matter. It results in the elders thinking that their son/daughter and their life partner don’t want them around.
Thanks for dropping by 🙂 Do come for more 🙂
As usual, attendance 🙂 will come back shortly!
Yes, a good post with a balanced opinion. I agree with most of the points you had narrated and I appreciate the same. Still I feel it leaves the users with some confusion 🙂 because of too many points, suggestions and advises. I think it is quite natural for this topic.
The essence will be – “who makes the sacrifice with a compromise” ? 🙂
Nevertheless, Hats off to the feeling for parents and the due respect you want to give to them.
God bless you!
Thanks na! Yes, I agree that there are a lot of points which might be ambiguous and confusing. It depends on a lot of factors and a personal experience basis. I wrote this post based on what I came to know with my life and my surroundings. As you said, the question is who is willing to be the bigger person and who is ready to think of the whole experience as a life lesson.
Read both the viewpoints. And I found myself marveling to the extent of your maturity 🙂 In any kind of relation ship, there is a give and take. You give love, you may not receive it back immediately, but you did your job, the rest will follow automatically.
Two very well written posts!!
Thank you Visha! You have pretty much given the crux of the issue. In any relationship, you give without expectations. That is when you are true to your self and the other person 🙂