The social aspects and manners that a family typically tries to inculcate in a kid has always astonished me. Welcome a guest by explicitly welcoming them and making a huge fuss about their arrival. Wish each other a good morning. Wish each other on occasions. Make it known that you are delighted at their son making it to the elite university in the US. Make it your business to know what each and every one in your immediate, extended, and even 2 circles beyond extended family does. While I agree some of these are basic manners, I was amused by the artificial charade of it all. I was the kid who would mumble an inaudible welcome and run off to my toys. I was the kid who didn’t understand why one should wish her brother a good morning when clearly they were going to make their mornings miserable for each other by fighting over who gets the bigger share of the omelette. I still am the kid who does not understand why I should make it my business to know what everyone is up to and tell everyone what I am up to.
Don’t mistake me, I am not against socialising and spending family time. But I’d rather it came naturally. Like sitting down with an uncle and talking about how I ditched a class in college to sleep. Like just patting a brother on the back and reminding him that he is getting older than wishing him a very artificial yet happy birthday. Like discovering that cousin is moving to a different country, just by chance. I like that spontaneity. This might be the case in some families, but not mine. So having been deprived of the spontaneity in the relationships that I so crave, I have become the cornucopia of social awkwardness (to quote Sheldon Cooper) when it comes to interacting with relatives.
A paradox of a title, I know!
Parenting – Constant oscillation between hopeful and hopeless, peace and drastic panic setting in, relaxing and exhausted till your life oozes out of your bones. Up and down and up and down and up and down. Never ending ups and downs. All within a matter of seconds.
Well, amidst all that, it’s a big thing that I even remember that this place exists!
Calling it a day with lots of phew!’s and sighs.
I have often heard people say that if you want something so badly, the entire universe will conspire to enable you to achieve your dream. Well, when you apply that to my life, all I can say is so far, so good. But here is a juncture that poses a question again. One that reeks of uncertainty. And if you knew one thing about me, it would be that I like planning and control. So this situation which doesn’t have a trace of a plan has swept the rug off my feet. I try everyday to let it go, but in vain.
Image Source: ask.fm
I blame that inability to let things happen on my passion. Being passionate about something in your life gives a sense of fulfillment that nothing else does. My work is something I deeply care about and have no willingness to sacrifice. My work has given me a sense of confidence, a true indication of what I am good at, what I am capable of, and what I should improve at. But how long I will have the support system to have a work-life balance is something I am unaware of. And of all things, the universe should know how badly I want this to work out. *Fingers crossed*
Until later 🙂
Every time you smile, I realize how blessed I am.
Every time I hug you, I realize how gifted I am.
Every time I inhale your baby smell, I realize how happy I am.
Every time I crib about being tired, I realize there are a lot of people who would give anything to be this tired for this reason.
Every time you rub your face against mine, I realize heaven is not impossible.
I asked myself a hundred times, why do I want to have a baby? I never knew the answer before but now I do.
You are the answer to my questions. I might have a million of them but you answer them in a million ways. Ways that I could never comprehend until you show me. Ways that would seem highly impossible until you show me.
I have always considered providing and taking care of a family to be the biggest challenge and yet, the biggest achievement of my life. And I had thought I had done it even before you came along to show me that there’s more. You showed me I can do more when I thought I couldn’t. Just like your dad. You both push me to greater heights when I myself have given up and settled. And I don’t often remember how blessed I am to have that. To have help to realize your purpose in life. But when I do remember, it overwhelms me so much that I am at a loss of words. So here’s a thank you. Thank you for everything.
I hope that someday you read this and realize how much I love you and how grateful I am to have you.
Until later 🙂
Pouring your heart and soul into something does pay off. It might not reflect in the same way that you want but it will reward you in ways you don’t realize yet. Hold your head high and enjoy what you have while it lasts. Things that you love need not stay around for long but while they are there, they are so for a reason. And they leave you for a reason.
Until later 🙂
P.S: For one of the very few times in my life, I am truly, completely proud of myself without a hint of sarcasm or doubt. And it makes me keenly aware of the fact that what I have might not last long. Accepting that is an arduous journey, one that I must tread through no matter what.