I think, therefore I write

Tag: Mind (Page 1 of 2)

Overthinking about parenting

I was sitting in a Starbucks outlet savoring an ill-chosen Cafe latte (I like cold brew than hot ones), waiting for Adit to join me. Since I had let my phone battery run down to 10% and did not bother to charge it before venturing out, I couldn’t do what one usually does while passing time at a Starbucks outlet – stare at your phone, browsing through mundane stuff. So instead, I chose to indulge in some people watching – not the creepy type but the subtle type. 🙂

Everyone was busy with their phones or talking among themselves when a family walked in. From the usual Indian context setting, I could figure out it was a group consisting of a mother with her 2 kids and either her parents or in-laws. Among the kids, the daughter was the one who immediately caught my eye. She could be about 10-12 years old and was dressed in a cool t-shirt and shorts, with short hair, fancy accessories. She was really cute and carried herself well. My mind, with typical human tendencies, started its overthinking about how far ahead kids these days are.

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If there is one thing which is messed up beyond repair, it is the human mind. And we somehow manage to mess it up even more. So here goes the story of my mind giving me a hard time. To give you a preview of the show, I must tell you this – My mind thinks too much and all in the wrong direction. It will come up with the weirdest of all interpretations for anything, will get bummed up for no reason, will torture me with its pointless frustrations when I really have some useful job to do. So now you know that I am totally unable to control my mind. That’s enough preview. 😉

So, here comes. Up until recently, I cannot visualize things at will. For instance, when I go for shopping I would be totally unable to try to visualize the kurti I am holding in my hand against my jean in my cupboard back home. Color against color match or mismatch? No. Trying to visualize the design pattern? No. And hence I never shopped without a companion who excells in such stuff and they would do the mental movie playing part and give their approvals or otherwise. Then out of the blue, I found during my last shopping spree that my mind is able to do that . Not always. But flashes of it. More like, it does that when it really likes a dress I am considering to buy. But when I try it at will, it gives me a very hard time. The experience would be something like trying to reach something which is just their one minuscule beyond the tip of my fingers but am unable to reach it. 😐

The next thing is, well this requires a sub-preview. You must know that I cannot dance at all. No. Not one step. Not one move. I still remember the day when I had to (read was forced to) do at least one dance move during the Industrial Visit trip in college and I made a complete fool of myself being unable to 😳 . Moving on, people have told me to just let go and dance even if it is clumsy. I have got this advice a lot. Believe you me, I try. I have wanted to dance at such times. But no. There is absolutely zero body-mind co-ordination. So I came to terms with the fact that I cannot dance [Hoping that there will never come a time where I am held at gun point and asked to dance]. *Preview Over* (Enough 🙄 , move on)

Recently, when I hear peppy numbers, my mind starts to dance, if I may phrase it that way. Remember it is the mind and not me. It is as if there is another me inside which is doing the dancing part. No, I am not just visualizing someone/myself dancing, instead I feel my mind doing the dance. When I try to catch hold of what it is doing, it is as slippery as an eel. If I try and do it again on purpose, there are flashes but never the whole picture. It drains me. It is like learning Occlumency from Snape. 😯 The crazier thing is my mind is so far able to do its awesome dance only for peppy numbers. [I am not exaggerating when I say awesome, yesterday it did a superb choreography for “Everybody tells me” from “Another Cinderella story”. That’s gotta be something.] So when I am listening to melodies, or songs which have lyrics depicting the situations, my mind tries to do something and obviously fails. And I have to go through the ordeal of watching the clumsy attempts which leaves me more drained. 😐

Now tell me, isn’t my mind the best place to be? 😈 In case you are Sheldon Cooper and didn’t get it, that was sarcasm for you! Re-read the title of this post. I should be removing that (ly) right? Well, I am not gonna 😛

What do you say? Alter-ego? Might be, for who knows!

Until later 🙂

The st(r)ained mind

P.S: I am in a very bleh phase now and hence I apologize in advance for a crappy abstract post. But do go ahead and read it. 😉

There is not a soul around. None to share. None to laugh with. The only sound that reverberates in the solitary room is the sound of the fan going round and round, doing its boring job and keeping to itself. Somehow the memories have faded away. The people have drifted apart. The few who stayed are too busy to bother. I have always needed time with myself but now I doubt if there is too much time with myself and myself alone.

Everything seems bitter and then I console myself with shallow words. Episodes and episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S seem to be the only comfort and the much-needed distraction. Sleep comes and goes irrespective of time, as it pleases but it does not do its job. Meaningless dreams fill my sleep, me tossing and turning, doing anything but resting. The light is always on for the fear of getting lost in the dark loneliness otherwise. The idiot box stays on for most of the time though there is none to watch it. The people inside it seem to be more of a companion than the real ones. But being the virtual ones that they are, they stay for a while and then move on to mind their affairs. It seems like I have retracted myself in an innermost circle where none is there. The occasional visitors to the circle don’t seem to be doing a good job in providing me company.

I read, read and then read some more. Getting lost in a different world, as if somehow that will help me forget the world I am actually in. Sometimes I think that I am pathetic and sometimes I think I am recuperating. Sometimes I think the situation is hopeless but I know the hope has not yet died and that it never will. I know this will take some more time to pass on. I also know that I will survive one way or the other, because I am a survivor. Have always been one. I will have my highs and lows. I will even hit rock bottom. But I will never fail to try to get up from rock bottom and swim up.

The mist will lift. The light will come. Until then, I am not going to give up. I will have my share of things that will give my life a better turn. I just have to wait away the time.

Until later 🙂

P.S: I am off to home. Yay! Will be back in a week to stalk your blogs. Until then, please remember me, will ya?

Dream Chronicles

Dreams have always managed to astonish me. The way our subconscious concocts stuff spinning around things that we think about a lot, the stuff we worry about, the stuff we  wonder about. But beyond all these, the times our dreams turn out to be one of those stories which we have never thought about at any point of life or even imagined to happen. As for me, I have had a lot of such dreams. They come in all shades of colors. True incidents, Fantasies that I love, Worries that make my life a mess and so on. All of them put together and a fine grand cocktail appears out of it.

Most of us would have had one particular dream over and over again. It might have changed with various phases of our life. For me, up until college, it was a dream about me going to the exam, but not knowing any of the answers, panicking and when the exam time is almost over, all the answers swoosh into my head and I scribble frantically on my answer sheet, only to find the invigilator grabbing it from me because the time is up. I have wondered if that dream kept recurring maybe because that was my worst fear in my subconscious mind. But, I never knew for sure. I was a very fast writer and a pretty sincere kid until school and hence I never had to face this situation in life. Then why did this dream torment me? I have no idea. And it faded off during my college days.

Sometimes I have dreams which while I am dreaming would be of utmost clarity and I would be able to see every detail in my dream world, but once my alarm does it’s job and I wake up, all I would remember is that I had a dream and that it was very transparent in detail, but I would not be able to recollect what was it all about. Actually Spaceman Spiff’s dream post got me thinking about dreams. But unlike her, I have never had a pattern or regularity, for which the exam-waala dream is the only exception. My dreams just come and go as they please. If I am hell-bent on worrying about something, my dream will not necessarily be about that. The converse, when I am excited about something, the probability scale tilts towards the higher side, that I will dream about some random stuff than actually dreaming about my happiness.

Where does our subconscious get its inane ability to put incidents of different inks together to make a multi-colored story? Why do I dream about losing an ink pen when I do not even own one now? Why don’t I dream about making it to Bangalore, when that’s what I have thought about all day? I have often found Dumbledore’s famous quote, “For in dreams, we enter a world that is entirely our own. Let him swim in the deepest ocean or glide over the highest cloud.” intriguing. And till date, I have not found a true explanation that will clear the mist around my dreams. Do you have any answers? Do you have dreams that you don’t have a clue about when you wake up?

Until later 🙂

My encouter with the inevitable

I stood there, lost in the awesomeness of the sunset. I had retreated to my favorite spot on the terrace to sulk over the endless problems that seem to find their way to me effortlessly. Why has 2011 been a year that I cannot understand? Why did it seem that the year has taught me a lot yet I am glad that it ended? Why do the familiar rays of hope arise when I think of 2012, when nothing has changed? I am still waiting for things to fall into place, holding my breath and pretending that life will pass on and one fine morning, everything will be like I wanted it to be. But, why does the hope arise in my heart from time to time? I thought of curbing the hope that arises and creates disappointment when the hope does not turn into reality. I decided not to believe in a tomorrow. If it comes, that’s good! Else, I will at least be spared of the disappointment. After all, hope didn’t seem to be a good decision to my problems. And with that decision, I continued to stare at the sunset.

Image Courtesy: http://scienceblogs.com

The setting sun glowed under the dark covers of clouds and I couldn’t help but stare at it. It hurt my eyes to keep staring like that and my eyes watered, but I didn’t move my eyes from the scene. It was too beautiful. Slowly as the sun set fully, I was engulfed in the darkness around me and once again my mind started searching for answers, with undivided concentration. From where I stood, people on the roads below seemed like scurrying ants and the sight made me wonder how busy the city is even after dusk. Moms hurrying to their homes to make the dinner in time for their families, Dads hurrying to their awaiting families so that they can spend more time with their kids, Children hurrying back home after school in the hope of getting some play time, Auto-drivers dashing to and fro to earn enough wages for their next day’s life, Street-vendors looking for some last-minute business before they close their shops and head home and so on. What enables them to go through the tiring routine throughout the day and look forward to another day? What makes them believe in a better tomorrow?

Suddenly a blazing light flashed across and I looked up at the sky. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I watched in awe as the scene unfolded. A bob of light that started at a point started growing bigger and bigger until its radiance was so strong that I could no longer decide where it started and where it ended. From the very centre of the radiance, a figure slowly walked towards me and as it came nearer I found that it was none but me. But I am here on the terrace! How can I be in two places at the same time? The glowing me smiled and said “You can be anywhere you want to be”. “Hey! Wait a minute. You can read my thoughts?” was my shocked reply and “Can’t I? After all I am you.” was the smug reply.

Me: So you are saying that this is happening inside my head?

Glowing-me: Only if you want it to be.

Me: What the hell? Too much Harry Potter and this is the aftermath of it.

(Glowing-me smirks)

Me: What are you smirking at?

Glowing-me: I am astonished by how naïve you are. You can believe a book which spins stories about people flying on brooms, and carrying sticks around cursing others, splitting your soul into 7 and keeping it in 7 places, you secretly hope that there is a Hogwarts and you will get your letter soon, but you cannot believe in yourself.

Me: (Taking offense) Hey! Who told you that I do not believe in myself?

Glowing-me: Stop trying to be defensive. Who do you think I am? I am you. If you do not believe in me, then you don’t believe in yourself.

Me: Arggh! This is all so confusing. What do you want? Why did you come?

Glowing-me: I came because you called me.

Me: What??? When did I ever call you?This is getting weirder by the passing second. Can you please stop being so annoying and tell me who you are and why you came?

Glowing-me: Since you are too dumb to realize that we both are the same and that you indeed called me, let me explain. I am you and I came to make you realize that you just took the stupidest decision of your life.

Me: That’s outrageous. What decision? How dare you appear out of nowhere and call my decisions stupid?

Glowing-me: Didn’t you just take the stupidest decision of your life that you will curb the hope that arises everyday, to prevent disappointments? Didn’t you just decide to stop believing in a tomorrow? Didn’t you just decide to live in a no-man’s space until things fall into place by themselves?

Me: Huh! Yeah I did, but how can you say that they are stupid? I have my own justifications and reasons.

Glowing-me: You answered this question too, a few minutes back. Didn’t you wonder how all those people believe in a tomorrow and doing their routine? Didn’t you just think how they manage to look forward to another day in spite of a crappy day?

Me: (This is getting scary.. I better be careful in my replies) Yee..aa..h! I did. So what?

Glowing-me: Put things together, you dumb-head! They fit. Hope is the only thing that keeps us alive. Without hope, you are as good as dead. If you so not believe in a tomorrow, why should you live? You can as well jump off this roof and die. Why do you think that old man in that corner of the road still returns to the same spot every day? It is in the hope that someone would be kind enough to give alms to him the next day and he might be able to make a meal out of it. Why do you think that woman over there opens her snack shop every day, leaving her sick child at home? It is in the hope that the next day, business would be better and she would be able to make enough money to buy medicines for her child. Do you think you have the biggest problem of all? Do you think your life sucks the most? If you do, you are the dumbest person ever born. Why do you think you still manage to go through a very draining day and yet manage to cheer up the next day? Because deep down, you have that hope the next day will be better and might bring some good news that you want to hear. And if you decide to curb that hope and stop believing in a tomorrow, then I would say, kill yourself now. There is no place for people without hope in the living world.

Thus Having blasted me, the glowing figure of mine turned around and started walking back towards the center of the radiating circle. I stood as a rock, too shocked even to move. Was she right? Am I being stupid to stop believing just because a few things happened which I didn’t want to and a few things I wanted to happen didn’t happen. I looked up and saw the glowing figure slowly starting to disappear. I called out frantically, “Hey! Are you really me? Is this happening inside my head?” I heard a voice coming out from the receding glow “Only if you want it to be”. I stood there for a very long time. Not moving. The truth dawned on me like a glorious sunrise and I knew. The truth was bitter but I knew that I had been wrong in my decisions. After what seemed like thousands of years, I found my peace with the truth. I decided to believe. I decided to keep the hope burning in me. It felt right.  I yelled out into the space “Hey! I am sorry to have been a fool before. I believe now!” I got no answer, but I was pretty sure that I heard a smile within myself.

This post is a result of me trying to find my inner peace. Around the end of 2011, I had become upset even for the smallest of things going wrong. I was continuously restless, thinking if it was even worth living. 2011 had taught a lot to me, but still somehow the things I want to happen more than my life, never seemed to be happening. That had made me feel all lost, depressed, confused and mourning at the year-end. Then again, I found my peace in 2012’s birth. With 2012, the hope I almost killed was re-born. Things have not yet fallen into place, but maybe this year, everything will become fine. Maybe. Maybe not. But that will not stop me from hoping or believing. Without hope, we are nothing. Believe in a tomorrow. Have a blast out of 2012!

Image Courtesy: wikimedia.org

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Now, definitely too much Harry Potter! 😛 Right?

Until later 🙂

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