I stood there, lost in the awesomeness of the sunset. I had retreated to my favorite spot on the terrace to sulk over the endless problems that seem to find their way to me effortlessly. Why has 2011 been a year that I cannot understand? Why did it seem that the year has taught me a lot yet I am glad that it ended? Why do the familiar rays of hope arise when I think of 2012, when nothing has changed? I am still waiting for things to fall into place, holding my breath and pretending that life will pass on and one fine morning, everything will be like I wanted it to be. But, why does the hope arise in my heart from time to time? I thought of curbing the hope that arises and creates disappointment when the hope does not turn into reality. I decided not to believe in a tomorrow. If it comes, that’s good! Else, I will at least be spared of the disappointment. After all, hope didn’t seem to be a good decision to my problems. And with that decision, I continued to stare at the sunset.
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The setting sun glowed under the dark covers of clouds and I couldn’t help but stare at it. It hurt my eyes to keep staring like that and my eyes watered, but I didn’t move my eyes from the scene. It was too beautiful. Slowly as the sun set fully, I was engulfed in the darkness around me and once again my mind started searching for answers, with undivided concentration. From where I stood, people on the roads below seemed like scurrying ants and the sight made me wonder how busy the city is even after dusk. Moms hurrying to their homes to make the dinner in time for their families, Dads hurrying to their awaiting families so that they can spend more time with their kids, Children hurrying back home after school in the hope of getting some play time, Auto-drivers dashing to and fro to earn enough wages for their next day’s life, Street-vendors looking for some last-minute business before they close their shops and head home and so on. What enables them to go through the tiring routine throughout the day and look forward to another day? What makes them believe in a better tomorrow?
Suddenly a blazing light flashed across and I looked up at the sky. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I watched in awe as the scene unfolded. A bob of light that started at a point started growing bigger and bigger until its radiance was so strong that I could no longer decide where it started and where it ended. From the very centre of the radiance, a figure slowly walked towards me and as it came nearer I found that it was none but me. But I am here on the terrace! How can I be in two places at the same time? The glowing me smiled and said “You can be anywhere you want to be”. “Hey! Wait a minute. You can read my thoughts?” was my shocked reply and “Can’t I? After all I am you.” was the smug reply.
Me: So you are saying that this is happening inside my head?
Glowing-me: Only if you want it to be.
Me: What the hell? Too much Harry Potter and this is the aftermath of it.
Me: What are you smirking at?
Glowing-me: I am astonished by how naïve you are. You can believe a book which spins stories about people flying on brooms, and carrying sticks around cursing others, splitting your soul into 7 and keeping it in 7 places, you secretly hope that there is a Hogwarts and you will get your letter soon, but you cannot believe in yourself.
Me: (Taking offense) Hey! Who told you that I do not believe in myself?
Glowing-me: Stop trying to be defensive. Who do you think I am? I am you. If you do not believe in me, then you don’t believe in yourself.
Me: Arggh! This is all so confusing. What do you want? Why did you come?
Glowing-me: I came because you called me.
Me: What??? When did I ever call you?This is getting weirder by the passing second. Can you please stop being so annoying and tell me who you are and why you came?
Glowing-me: Since you are too dumb to realize that we both are the same and that you indeed called me, let me explain. I am you and I came to make you realize that you just took the stupidest decision of your life.
Me: That’s outrageous. What decision? How dare you appear out of nowhere and call my decisions stupid?
Glowing-me: Didn’t you just take the stupidest decision of your life that you will curb the hope that arises everyday, to prevent disappointments? Didn’t you just decide to stop believing in a tomorrow? Didn’t you just decide to live in a no-man’s space until things fall into place by themselves?
Me: Huh! Yeah I did, but how can you say that they are stupid? I have my own justifications and reasons.
Glowing-me: You answered this question too, a few minutes back. Didn’t you wonder how all those people believe in a tomorrow and doing their routine? Didn’t you just think how they manage to look forward to another day in spite of a crappy day?
Me: (This is getting scary.. I better be careful in my replies) Yee..aa..h! I did. So what?
Glowing-me: Put things together, you dumb-head! They fit. Hope is the only thing that keeps us alive. Without hope, you are as good as dead. If you so not believe in a tomorrow, why should you live? You can as well jump off this roof and die. Why do you think that old man in that corner of the road still returns to the same spot every day? It is in the hope that someone would be kind enough to give alms to him the next day and he might be able to make a meal out of it. Why do you think that woman over there opens her snack shop every day, leaving her sick child at home? It is in the hope that the next day, business would be better and she would be able to make enough money to buy medicines for her child. Do you think you have the biggest problem of all? Do you think your life sucks the most? If you do, you are the dumbest person ever born. Why do you think you still manage to go through a very draining day and yet manage to cheer up the next day? Because deep down, you have that hope the next day will be better and might bring some good news that you want to hear. And if you decide to curb that hope and stop believing in a tomorrow, then I would say, kill yourself now. There is no place for people without hope in the living world.
Thus Having blasted me, the glowing figure of mine turned around and started walking back towards the center of the radiating circle. I stood as a rock, too shocked even to move. Was she right? Am I being stupid to stop believing just because a few things happened which I didn’t want to and a few things I wanted to happen didn’t happen. I looked up and saw the glowing figure slowly starting to disappear. I called out frantically, “Hey! Are you really me? Is this happening inside my head?” I heard a voice coming out from the receding glow “Only if you want it to be”. I stood there for a very long time. Not moving. The truth dawned on me like a glorious sunrise and I knew. The truth was bitter but I knew that I had been wrong in my decisions. After what seemed like thousands of years, I found my peace with the truth. I decided to believe. I decided to keep the hope burning in me. It felt right. I yelled out into the space “Hey! I am sorry to have been a fool before. I believe now!” I got no answer, but I was pretty sure that I heard a smile within myself.
This post is a result of me trying to find my inner peace. Around the end of 2011, I had become upset even for the smallest of things going wrong. I was continuously restless, thinking if it was even worth living. 2011 had taught a lot to me, but still somehow the things I want to happen more than my life, never seemed to be happening. That had made me feel all lost, depressed, confused and mourning at the year-end. Then again, I found my peace in 2012’s birth. With 2012, the hope I almost killed was re-born. Things have not yet fallen into place, but maybe this year, everything will become fine. Maybe. Maybe not. But that will not stop me from hoping or believing. Without hope, we are nothing. Believe in a tomorrow. Have a blast out of 2012!
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“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
Now, definitely too much Harry Potter! 😛 Right?
Until later 🙂